This is the journey of one control freak wife and one gentle spirited husband as they seek to balance their

roles in their home
and bring an extra measure of joy to their already happy marriage.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

peaceful reconnection

If you have been married for any length of time, then it will have happened to you...the craziness of life and the distance with your spouse that it sometimes creates.

First I got really sick, then Steve did.  One of our key employees tells us that he is going to require surgery and medical treatment that is going to keep him out for twelve to sixteen weeks.  We're very worried about him and worried about surviving without him while he's out.  My mother ends up having a personal emergency that I had to leave for a couple of days to take care of and rush back in time to take my thirteen year to the airport for an event she was attending in Michigan. Then we had two more to get packed up for summer camp for a week. Then we had two crucial business deadlines to meet. This combined with a few more situations all occured in the span of eleven days.  The only words to describe it were crazy and chaotic. 

Needless to say that despite having the house completely to ourselves on night of the eleventh day, we might have just as well been on different planets for as much interest as we had in each other.

"Wow, the distance is palpable."

"Yeh, it is.  Let's get a good night's sleep, and we'll work on it over the weekend."

We spent the next couple of days talking, snuggling, kissing, and finally making love.  It wasn't until we were really reconnected that Steve asked if I would like some maintenance.  

He pulled out my absolute favorite...his belt.  

It was a fantastic session although it was more difficult to tolerate after two weeks of nothing.  Steve could tell so he switched back and forth between his belt and his hand.  He rubbed my bottom a lot more too.   

What was interesting to me was that the resumption of our dd lifestyle was the result of our peaceful reconnection and not the other way around.  

I know there are critics who think that dd or variations thereof are a sign or symptom of a disfunctional relationship, and as with everything I'm sure there are some those out there. However, I do think that Steve and I are a good example of how it is a reflection of a healthy marriage that is being enhanced, and there are numerous other blogs out there that demonstrate the same. 

It is a relief for me to know that even if we stopped dd tomorrow, we still have the skills to heal the chasms when they occur.  That's important because life will continue to be crazy and stretch us in every direction imaginable.

I hope, though, that we don't stop, because I sure do enjoy the warmth in my heart [and other places ;) ] that comes from a warm bottom!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

when perfection ends

All has been quiet on the western frontier, but as we all know, perfection can't last forever, no matter how much we wish it would.  Even in the most perfect of circumstances, perfection fails us.  For example...

Last night not only did I have some transition time, but I had the house completely to myself for several hours (that's incredibly rare).  The children were all spending the night at their friends' respective homes.  Steve went over to a friend's house to help him put together some furniture. 

Before he left he said, "We're going to have some fun when I get home. I'm going to take advantage of being able to spank you and make love to you anywhere in the house I want."  

"Yeh, right."

"Why are you saying it like that."

"Because you know darn good and well that you will end up staying over there longer than you intend.  It will be late when you get home and one or both of us will be too tired to do anything."

"Not this time."

"We'll see."

He kissed me in a demanding and urgent kind of way and headed out the door.

I was asleep on the couch when he got home at one in the morning, an hour and a half later than he told me he would be.  I woke up as he was coming through the door.

"Told you," were the first words out of my mouth.

"It did take longer than I thought it would, but I'm not too tired to bend you over the couch to heat up your bottom and then have my way with you, and you clearly have been sleeping so I'm sure you can manage it as well, right?"

"Yeh, I guess."  It was not the friendliest of tones.

"Your attitude is starting to irritate me.  You'd better go strip before I decide to dole out some punishment."

"Whatever."  Yes, that included some serious eyeball rolling.

Now don't ask me why I was having an attitude issue.  I'm not sure what was wrong with me.  I think that because this is still all relatively new to us that I sometimes forget too quickly that Steve is perfectly capable now of truly punishing me.  

I came back out to the living room naked to find Steve standing there with the lexan paddle and loopy johnny in his hands.  I knew instantly that I was in serious trouble.

"I'm not sure what your problem is, but I'm fixing it right now.  Bend over the arm of the couch now."

He wore me out with the lexan paddle.  I don't know how many times it was because I was too busy crying and yelling "owwww" to count.  

"So, do you think it is 'whatever' now?  Do you agree I am up to the task of punishing you when it is needed?"

"Ye......e.........s," said I with tears and snot on my face and hiccuping all the while.

"Well I'm going to give you ten with the loopy johnny to be sure." 

My only saving grace is that our loopy johnny is leather as opposed to rubber, otherwise I think I would have been loud enough for the neighbors that are almost a kilometer away to have heard me.  The implement itself may be quiet, but I sure wasn't!

As soon as he was done, he sat on the couch and had me sit snuggled up next to him.  He rubbed my back until I stopped crying and was able to breathe with making shuttering noises.  

He turned to me and embraced my face with both of his hands.  After kissing me tenderly, he asked, "I really would like to get back to the original plan of making love to you anywhere besides the bedroom. Are you okay with that?"

I smiled and nodded and..... well the rest I'm going to keep to myself.  Let's just say that I have a smile on my face that will probably be there for days. 

Who needs perfection anyway? ;) 

Friday, July 8, 2011

A Good Week

It is always good when a plan works the way you hope.  

Steve's idea for transition time has really made a difference for us.  

Knowing that I have that time to look forward to has helped me feel less stressed at work.  Having the time has also helped me feel more peaceful at home and to relish the change from dominant to submissive each day.  

Each day has been a little different, but the components have remained the same.  I spend about fifteen minutes by myself doing absolutely nothing but sit or lay down, close my eyes, and breathe deeply. This is followed by my act of submission.  

If it is corner time then it is only about five to ten minutes.  If Steve decides it is a butt plug day then he comes in and has me strip and he puts it in.  It stays in until he says otherwise. If it extends beyond my transition time then I am to dress and continue with my evening as if it isn't there.

You haven't lived until you are sitting at the dining room table helping your child with math homework with a butt plug in your rear!

My favorite day was actually this past Saturday.  I had worked that day (which is very rare as I usually don't for religious reasons), and when I got home it was a beautiful afternoon.  I texted Steve to let him know that I was going to the porch swing in front of the shed instead of coming into the house for transition time. I received back a text that said, "That's perfect, I'll meet u out there in a little while."

Steve joined me after about ten minutes, and we continued to swing while we snuggled.

"I have a surprise for you."

"You do?"

"Guess what came in today."

"The Loopy Johnny?"  (We had ordered one from The London Tanners

 
  "Yep.  It is hanging in the shed.  I was actually thinking about trying it out when you got home.  Then you decided to come out to the swing.  It seems like the perfect opportunity."

"Where are the kids?"  

"[The eldest] took them to see a movie.  They'll be gone for at least another hour.  What do you say?  Should we have a little fun and get maintenance done too?"

"Sounds good, but do we have to go in the shed? It's going to be hot in there this time of day."

"Actually, I was thinking right here."

Although you can see the front of our house from the street the rest of the property is very private.

"Okay, I'm game."

"Great! You strip while I go get it."

I'd read from others that the loopy johnny was something else, but I was surprised by the intensity of it.  Overall, we both like it.  It is quiet in comparison to the strap.  I have a feeling it will be used often.   


Between the transition time and the almost daily maintenance spankings, I have to say that it has been a good week.  I have been feeling almost euphoric.  However, I'm bracing myself for the fact that in real life things don't stay blissful forever.  There will be a bump in the road, so I'm just going to appreciate the good while it lasts.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

a shameful moment

As embarrassing as my last post was, this one is shameful. Sorry, there is no humor to this one. It was a dark moment for me. I got my rear end tore up yesterday, and I totally deserved it.  

My stress levels just stay incredibly high these days, and I was really on edge when I got home yesterday. I felt like I was going to pop out of my skin.  I immediately lit into my children when I walked through the door because they had not done their chores.  

Steve, who had come home about fifteen minutes before me, immediately intervened.  "Julia, that's my job, and I will handle it.  Go in our room and rest for a bit."    

"I don't need you to handle it! I'm perfectly capable of handling it.  The children always did their chores when I was in charge!" [Yes, I was yelling.]

Does anyone have deja vu?  I should have.  Steve and I just played out this almost same exact scene a little over a week ago.  How come I didn't remember the outcome of that?

"Kids, I need you to go in your rooms right now, and don't leave it until I tell you to."    [calm, but with steel in it]

As soon as the kids were out of sight, he grabbed me by the arm and practically dragged me out the door.

"Let me go right now!" [I'm pretty much screaming at this point.]

"I don't think so."

"Noooo, I am not going back over to the office!!!!"

"Fine, we'll go this way!"

He swung me around and started heading to the back of the property... straight for the shed.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"  I dug my heels in as best I could.

"Julia, you are going to start cooperating right now, or so help me G-d I, I... I don't know what I'm going to do."     

Steve let go of my arm and stood looking incredibly sad in the middle of our yard.  I stood there on the verge of tears.  I was so overwrought at this point.

"Julia, I don't want to spank you against your will, but at the same time I don't want this behavior to carry on.  I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and that you put me there. You desperately need a spanking.  You are going to sit on the porch swing in front of the shed.  When you are ready to submit to the spanking, you come get me.  I'm going back inside to decide what we're having for dinner.  Do not come back into the house until you've got it together!"

"You're trying to tell me that I can't come into the house that I f*&%$ng pay for?  F&%$ you!!!"  

I tried to storm back to the house.  Steve picked me up and while I was kicking, cussing, and hitting him, he carried me to the shed.  He sat us both down on the swing with him keeping an iron grip on me.

He held me until I stopped my temper tantrum. I started crying, and I didn't think I was ever going to stop.  Steve rubbed my back for what seemed like an eternity.  

When the sobs slowed down to shuttered breathing, Steve leaned in and said, "Feeling better?"   I nodded.

"Let's go in the shed."    

This time I followed him in.  

"Strip."     I started crying softly and took off all of my clothes.

"Do you understand why I pulled you out of the house?"     

"Yes."

"Do you understand why I didn't want you to go back in?"  

"Yes."

"Do you understand how much you hurt me just now?"   

"Yesssssss. I'mmm sorrrrrrry!!!"  I was wailing at this point.

"I'm a grown man, I love you, and I'll get over it.  The children are a different story. I know that you are incredibly stressed right now. I do not want you to look back and realize that you have taken it out on your children. You are coming dangerously close to being flat out verbally abusive. I would even venture that you are being verbally abusive to me.  I know you don't want that."
  
"No.....I..... don't." [Lots of sobbing and sniffling in between] 

"I've been thinking about this and I think part of the problem is that most people have some type of commute between work and home that gives them time to decompress.  You just have to walk across the street.  With the level of stress you have you need more than that.  From now on I want you to walk straight to our bedroom as soon as you get home and for you to lie down, or do some deep breathing, or do some yoga stances.  I'm going to instruct the children that they are not to disturb you, but are to come to me if they need something until "mom rest time" is over. I think a minimum of twenty minutes is needed, possibly as much as thirty.  I also think that in our situation an act of submission is needed during that time as well to help you make the shift from the leader to the follower.  Some corner time at the end or time with a butt plug, something to help you make the mental shift.  Are you willing to try that?"

"Yes."

"Good, because I never, and I mean never want to have to spank you like I'm going to spank you now ever again.  Bend over and put your hands on the shelf."

I heard him pull his belt loose, and he struck my bottom and the back of my thighs repeatedly. I sobbed, I kept popping up, and I said I was sorry.  I was almost to the point of using my safe word when he stopped and picked up the board he used to spank me a while back.

"Nooooo, please don't!"  

"I want this to stick this time.  We are going to do five, and I want you to say 'I will take time to let go of my stress'. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

Those were the five most painful swats I have ever had in my entire life.  Steve helped me redress, used a clean shop towel to wipe off my face, and we went back out to the swing.  I laid curled up on my side with my head on his lap because I couldn't sit.  He ordered pizza on his cell, and we walked back to the house.  He made me go lie in bed until the pizza came and then we ate dinner and played a board game with the kids.  When the kids went to bed, he made me go too. He joined me so that he could snuggle and comfort me until I went to sleep.

Needless to say I have a few marks on my behind today, but I feel light as a feather.  

As soon as I got home today I went straight to our room.  There was a note on the pillow that said "Relax in whatever manner you feel will work for you, but before you come out I want you to take off your work clothes, put on something comfortable and spend five full minutes in the corner.  I love you more than you can possibly imagine."    

I followed my beloved HoH's instructions to the letter, and I enjoyed one the most relaxing and wonderful evenings with my family that I have had for a long time.


I apologize for the length of this post, but it was such a milestone event that I needed to record it thoroughly for myself.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

not our fantasy

"Are you sure that you want me to blog about this?"  

"Why not?  It is gross and kind of funny.  It just goes to show that in real life things don't always go the way you fantasize, and that's okay."

"I would just as soon forget it myself." 

"It is a part of our story. Besides I promise one day we will look back on it and laugh our heads off."

"The look on your face was comical."

"That's the spirit!"


So I blame the following story on Audra (The Gift of Submission).  She recently wrote a post about butt plugs.  As far as I know Steve didn't read it, but she is still responsible for putting the butt plug vibe out to the universe!  :) Anyway here's what happened (I apologize now for grossing you out!) ... 

six hours earlier....

Steve comes up behind me while I'm in the kitchen this afternoon and whispers in my ear, "My parents are coming to pick up the troop in a little bit to take them to a movie and then to dinner. We are going to have the house to ourselves, so I intend to have some fun with you."

"Hmmm, what if I told you I already had a plan for what I was doing this afternoon?"

"Too bad.  This is a rare opportunity, and I'm going to take advantage of it.  Go on to the bedroom and strip.  I'll make sure the kids get on their way.  Oh, and to make sure you are in the right frame of mind, put in one of the butt plugs while you wait for me." 

I stood there gawking at him. It has been about a month since he last had me use a butt plug.

"Stop staring at me like a deer in headlights!  You heard me, go do it or there will be more than maintenance in your future!  

I scurried off to the bedroom and did what he asked.  It was very disconcerting to hear his parents in the house while I'm lying naked on the bed with a butt plug in my bottom. 

I died a little death when I heard his mom ask, "Where's Julia?"  

"She's lying down in the bedroom. She has a headache," my husband the liar said. 

"Poor dear! Tell her I hope she fills better soon."

"Don't worry, I'm giving her some medicine as soon as you guys head out."   OMG! I can't believe he said that!

I heard the front door close and shivers of anticipation went down my spine.

"Put some pillows under your hips.  We're going to start by taking care of maintenance." 

Let me just say that this part of the afternoon was perfect.  He started with the wooden spoon, then moved on to the ping pong paddle, and finished with the strap.  The strapping was great. He probably gave me about a hundred swats.  They landed nice and even on both cheeks with a lot of sting. My bottom was nice and hot when he was done.

He proceeded to flip me over and went down on me.  The arousal was so intense I felt light-headed.  After a little bit he flipped himself around so that I could pleasure him at the same time.  We were both so in to it and having a great time, when the unexpected happened...

Steve touched my side in such a way that it was very ticklish, and I reacted by laughing out loud.  Before I had any control of what was happening, out flew the butt plug along with ....umm....other stuff right in Steve's face!

I flew upright with a "Holy crap!" (Bad choice of words I know!)  Now Steve looked like the deer in headlights.  He was clearly stunned.  I ran like a mad woman to get a towel to wipe him off and get the sheets off the bed.  I started babbling, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" over and over again.  

When Steve came out of the bathroom from washing his face and hair, he grabbed me and pulled me close and said, "Will you please stop saying you're sorry!  It's not your fault.  It was an accident.  I didn't mean to tickle you, if it's anyone's fault it is mine."

I broke down sobbing at that point.  "That was so humiliating!"  

"Stop it right now! It is okay.  It's not your fault and you have nothing to be embarrassed about!  Besides [he put a wicked grin on his face] now we know that is one fettish we will never be into!"

I slapped him and hugged him and even managed a smile at that point.

"Why don't we get back in bed and carry on." 

"I'm so not in the mood now."

"Well, I'll fix that." 

He did and it was a great afternoon.  If I could just blot out that incident it would have been a fantasy afternoon. 

Alas, real life has a way altering fantasy fast.  So the next time one of your romantic interludes doesn't go the way you expect, just remember poor Steve and me.  It might make your evening not seem so bad!  ;)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

separation of purpose

I love to be spanked. I love it a lot. I am willing to admit that. 

I am usually aroused any time I am spanked.  Sometimes during punishment I am not, but usually it springs to life as soon as Steve is done.

Many people keep it in tidy little cubbies neatly separated. It just isn't for me.  It was my interest in spanking that led me to domestic discipline to begin with.  In terms of sexual interest and emotional output, it is one messy ball of tangled up yarn for Steve and me.

That being said, there is separation of purpose.  I didn't have to have a domestic discipline relationship with my husband in order to be spanked.  I am 100% certain that I could have just told Steve, "Babe, I want you to spank me."  Steve is obsessed enough with my bottom that he would have jumped on that easily enough. We could have easily stayed in the sexual play arena. There's only one problem with that.  Only my needs would have been met.

As I researched domestic discipline in its various forms, I realized that bringing this to our marriage would benefit both of us.  It would provide Steve a window of opportunity for growth that he has never had, and for me it would be a respid from the pressures of leadership. There were clear and defined intellectual reasons for participating in a dd lifestyle.

For us, though, the separation of purposes doesn't matter when it comes to living it. 

Steve spanks me because we both enjoy the sexual arousal that results. 

Steve spanks me because the endorphin release is a great stress reliever for me.

Steve spanks me because sometimes I need to know that he's in charge.

Steve spanks me because I need to be reminded of what my best self should be.

It is all messy and undefined, but ultimately it is not the intellectual reasons why that matters to us.

What matters  is what are we getting out of it all... a great marriage that is now supercharged with more intimacy and communication! 







Sunday, June 19, 2011

the reason why

It took a lot of reflection, but I believe I know what I was feeling Thursday night and why I was feeling that way.

The emotion I was experiencing was loneliness.  That isn't an emotion I've had during a spanking before, and it took me a while to process it.

Almost always when Steve is spanking me we are connected in some way.  Usually I am over his lap or knee.  Even when I am kneeling in the stuffed chair or laying over the bed, he has his hand on me or touches me frequently.

When he had me stand and was spanking me with the paddle there was no contact between us, only the pain of the strokes.  That was when I had an intense moment of loneliness. It took a lengthy snuggling session and two bouts of love-making to eradicate it, but I feel reconnected to Steve now.

There was nothing wrong with the punishment.  I still feel that Steve handled it exactly the way he should have. At least now I will be able to identify the emotion sooner and better express my feelings and needs to Steve.

By the way, Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.

Friday, June 17, 2011

a different animal

I was promised playtime on Wednesday night, and it was great.  I received a lengthy maintenance session with his hand and the small strap.  This segued into a massage and some awesome lovemaking.  All in all, it was worth waiting an extra day for. 

Thursday was a different animal altogether.  I ended up having a very stressful day, and I let it get the better of me.  The low point came after dinner when I was upset over something Steve and I were discussing.  The dog ended up right behind me and when I went to turn around I almost tripped over him.  That's when it happened. 

"G-d d#$% it, you stupid dog!"  [yelling]

"Julia, the kids are in the family room, they can hear you."  [soft-spoken]

"I'm sorry, but the dog just about killed me! [still yelling and exaggerating]

"I know that it has been a stressful day for you.  Go into our bedroom and try to relax for a little bit." [still soft-spoken and was rubbing my arm]

Now if I had just done what he said that would be the end of this story, but I didn't have the sense to come in out of the rain at that point.

"Don't tell me what to do!" [voice raised but not yelling, and I jerked away my arm]

Steve's demeanor changed in an instant. He leaned against me so that I was caught between him and the kitchen island.  He put his mouth to my ear and between clenched teeth I heard, "You had better get yourself in that room right now, because the kids do not deserve to see or hear you acting like this.  Keep it up and I swear I will give you a spanking like you've never had before."

"Yeah, right!"

"JULIA! Right now!"

"Whatever."  I stormed off to our bedroom.

Prior to dd, Steve would have said something but then walked away, and my family would have been walking on egg shells until the storm had past.

I ended up falling asleep, and Steve came in a couple of hours later and woke me up.

"The troop is getting ready for bed.  I want you to help me tuck them in.  Then you are going to get the wooden spoon, the short cane, and the lexan paddle and go over to the office."

I was so irritated, but then I walked into my youngest child's bedroom.  My sweet boy popped up and gave me a big hug and kiss. In that moment, I was so grateful that Steve had stopped me from my tyrade.  I tucked the others in and headed over to the office.

"Take off everything and go stand in the corner." 

He came up behind me after several minutes and started talking in my ear. 

"I've told you before that I don't care if you unload on me. That is what I'm here for, but I'm not going to allow it in front of the children. Do you understand?"  I nodded and started crying.

"It is also clear that I am doing an insufficient job with punishment, because you are not taking me seriously.  I intend to fix that. Keep standing in the corner until I call for you.  I want you to think about what's going to happen and why."

My stomach was in knots, and I was relieved when he finally called me over.  He put me over his knee and spanked me with his hand, the spoon, the paddle, and then the cane.  When he let me up my bottom was stinging from the paddle and I had some welts from the cane. 

"Stand up and stay facing me." 

I was so embarrassed.  I was shifting from foot to foot. I couldn't look him in the eye.  

"Look at me."  I did, but I couldn't maintain it very long.  "I'm sorry, but I don't think we are done yet. We're going to do something different.  Turn sideways and stay still."  

He began swatting me with the lexan paddle again. He gave me ten hard strokes.  It really hurt, and I started crying.  

"Go stand in the corner."   I stayed in the corner until I stopped crying.

"Same position."  He gave me ten more, and I started crying again.

"Turn and face me.  I hope I got through to you with this spanking.  I don't want to have to do this very often."

I simply don't have the words to express how I was feeling at that moment.  I've never experienced that emotion/or series of emotions before.  After standing in front of him for a little bit, he reached out for my hand and asked if I wanted to sit on his lap now.  I practically jumped in his lap.

I stayed in his lap for a long time.  I cried and kissed his neck.  He rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head.  We didn't have sex (that is a first).  He helped me redress, and we went home and got in bed.  He snuggled with me until I fell asleep.

When we woke this morning, he made love to me in the most tender way I think he ever has.  

What's particularly hard is that I had to leave to go out-of-town overnight, so I am writing this post in my hotel room.  I would much rather be in his reassuring arms right now.  

I miss him something fierce despite the fact that my bottom is still sore.  Or maybe I miss him because it is still sore. I'm not sure which. 

Thank God I'll only be away for a day.   

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the anti-date night

Marriage is not the death of great sex.   Video games are!

Steve surprised me last night by arranging for us to have a date night.  It had been a while, and we were definitely overdue.

We had a great time eating out and seeing a movie.  Tame I know, but those are two things we just love to do together.  

If you have read either of my previous posts about date nights, you know this is normally followed by spanking and really great sex.  

That didn't happen last night.   Why you ask?  

Right as we were pulling into our driveway, Steve gets a text from one of his gaming buddies that he hadn't seen or heard from in a while.

"Who's texting you this late at night?"  "John.  He and a couple of the other guys were wanting to play some Black Ops tonight, and he wanted to know if I wanted to join them. Don't worry, I'm telling him I'm on a date with my wife."

After being married to Steve for fifteen years, I recognized the wistfulness in his voice.

"It's okay babe.  I know with his schedule you guys don't get to link up much anymore.  I won't be upset if you want to play.  I've enjoyed our date, but I'm pretty tired."

"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yep, I'm sure."

"I love you. [grin]"

"I know. [grin]"

Fast forward to today.

"Are you well-rested?"     "Yeh, why?"

"I intend to play with you tonight."     "You do?  What if John calls you tonight?"

"I'm going to tell him that my wife has some features that my X-Box doesn't, and I fully intend to explore them tonight."     "Well if you play well enough, I might give you access to the bonus features."  "Deal!"

I intend to work him hard tonight.  His reserve copy of the new Duke Nukem is going to be released soon.  I'll be a gaming widow for at least a week, if not two.

Yep, video games.... the nemesis of great sex everywhere! 

Monday, June 13, 2011

sex, spanking, and marriage

There has been a lot of discussion in the blogs lately about sex and spanking and how much they are interrelated.


When Steve and I first began this journey, I had no idea how all the elements of sex, spanking, and marriage would fit together.  I had expected puzzle pieces that would fit together neatly, but in reality, for us at least, it is like a tightly inter-woven tapestry.  

Love, trust, commitment, pain, sexual excitement, submission, partnership, dominance, and intimacy in a multicolored display that makes it difficult to know when one ends and another begins.  It defies the capacity of logic.  

At the beginning of the journey I believed that if sex and spanking were to be intermixed, it would occur with play spanking and maintenance spanking.  We were surprised that as this has developed, we were finding that it is during and after punishment spankings that we are most sexually in tune with one another.  We feel an intense connection.  For us, I think that punishment spankings have become the moment when all the elements I mentioned above converge.  

Does that mean I want punishment spankings all the time?  No, only when I've earned it.  That I believe is part of the magic.  Those moments are what brings special elements of color to our marriage tapestry.  Too much and the colors would become garish and overwhelming, too little and it would be drab and boring. I think Steve and I have been weaving a beautiful tapestry for the last fifteen years and these extra bits of color that we have added recently have made it priceless. 

It is unfortunate as a society that we have so devalued and cheapened the elements of sex, intimacy, and marriage.  We compartmentalize sex from marriage and even send constant media messages that say that marriage is the death of fulfilling sex and intimacy.  

I genuinely grieve for those that do not get to experience marriage in its full glory, and I think those of us who are in great marriages have a responsibility to express just how wonderful marriage really is.  Is marriage easy?  Absolutely not! It is, however, the most beautiful relationship when it is nurtured and treasured.

It is my prayer this evening for everyone out there that if you are married, or at some point in the future choose marriage, that you will be able to look at it and see beautiful artistry in the tapestries that you are creating.   

Friday, June 10, 2011

what would you do?

Here are the facts:

1.  I criticized my husband on my blog Monday night for not putting enough effort into our dd relationship.  Steve read that post and promptly turned my bottom red.

2.  Steve, with renewed vigor, had spanked me Tuesday night (maintenance) and Wednesday night (punishment for yelling).  We were clearly back on track.

3.  Steve and I decided to do some much needed work around the house and yard on Thursday. We had the house and grounds to ourselves all day.

4.  For the past month, my husband has been eyeing every-day items constantly for spanking potential.

5.  Steve was going in and out of the tool shed getting stuff we needed while we were debating which household projects should get priority.

Now given these facts would you have followed your husband into the shed?

I can hear the resounding "Hell, Nos!" being shouted at the screen.

As you have probably guessed, I wasn't that smart and followed Steve right into the shed.

"I want to get the front lawn mowed before we do anything else. We've got company coming this weekend, and I'm afraid if we do these other things first we're going to be too tired and it won't get done."

"I understand why you want the lawn mowed, but I don't think it needs to be done first or even today. I can have [the eldest] do it tomorrow since she won't be working if we don't get it done today." 

"There's a chance of rain tomorrow.  What if she doesn't get it done?"

"She'll do it first thing in the morning before it gets too hot.  It's not supposed to rain until late afternoon."  

"Well, that plan assumes that she will be available tomorrow. I don't like it."

"I know you don't.  Will you do me a favor and grab the attachment for the pressure cleaner from the shelf over there?" 

"Sure."  I hear the shed door close as soon as I am out of the way.  "What did you do that for?"

"We agreed that all matters in our personal lives are under my authority, didn't we?"

"Yes"

"Well, before this turns into a long day of debates, I think you need a reminder about who's in charge.  So turn around and put your hands on the next-to-the-bottom shelf and wait while I find something to spank you with."

"That's not necessary. We can do this in whatever order you want."

"The fact that you just told me that it's not necessary means that it is.  Now bend over like I told you."

Twenty or so seconds went by when I hear him say, "That should be interesting."    I look over my shoulder to see him with a piece of one x six in his hand that was left over from making the shelves.  I immediately popped up.

"Oh, no!  There's no way you're going to swat me with that!"

"You are going to get a spanking tonight for getting out of position.  Right now you have two choices:  five swats with this board over your jean shorts or fifty strokes with my belt on your bare behind. Which will it be?"

"Some choice."  I bend back over.

"Count them out."    I counted them out and pouted that I was pretty sure that was going to bruise.
 
"I didn't swing very hard.  Pull your shorts and panties down and let me take a look."    I complied, and he began rubbing my bottom. "Nope, your iron butt is a light shade of pink. I doubt you're going to get a bruise.  Maybe I should take further action to establish my authority." 

"No really, I promise to follow your le....." I look over my shoulder and see that he has his own shorts pulled down and a wicked grin on his face.  "As you wish."

He took me forcefully from behind, and when he was done we both proceeded to tackle the projects with unusual enthusiasm!

F.Y.I. - The eldest did end up mowing the lawn this morning. Oh, and I did get that spanking for popping up.  I got the fifty strokes of the belt on my bare behind.  Poetic justice. 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

don't let him read!

"What are you doing?"    "Posting something on my blog.  I'm finished though."  I tried to put the laptop away.

"May I read it?"    "You want to read it now?"  "Sure!"    Oh, crap! 

"Why the interest?"  "Just curious I guess, particularly after seeing the look on your face.  Do you not want me to?  You told me previously that I could read it whenever I wanted."

Don't let him read it!  "You're right I did.  Here you go."  Oh, crap! 

Tick, tock....tick, tock....tick, tock

"You really feel like I'm purposely trying to find other things to do besides spank you?"    "Yeh, it feels that way to me." 

"I told you that we were going to get back on track."    "I know, but it just seemed like it was starting to get pushed off to the next night and then the next night after that.  I just don't want to go back to before.  I loved what we had established."  "I loved it too." 

"You were kind of harsh in that post, but you're right about one thing, I need to do it already and ordinary maintenance won't cut it.  Gather up all of the implements and head over to the office. Don't take off any clothes until I get there."    Oh, crap!

I was pretty nervous as I sat there waiting for him. It had been almost a month since he had me go to the office.  I knew I was in for a long, hard spanking.

"We have a lot to make up for. We're going to start off with your pants on, and I will handle any disrobing from there.  We'll discuss your behavior while you are over my knee instead of the pre-confession. Get over my lap."   

Thirty-five minutes later I was completely naked, my bottom was fire-engine red from being spanked with every implement we own including a couple of Steve's creative use of things in our office, my face was puffy from crying during corner times, and I felt restored.  

"I've missed you."  "I've missed you to.  I promise I will try harder not to let this slip like this again, but life is going to get in our way sometimes; try not to get so frustrated."    "I'll try."

"You better say something nice about me on your next post."    "I promise I will."

Steve is the best husband in the whole wide world, and I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else. :) 

Monday, June 6, 2011

where's the rhythm?

I'm feeling like Little Bo Peep. We have lost our rhythm and don't know where to find it.  

Somehow the pressures of work and children have consumed us despite our best efforts. Well, maybe "best effort" would be an exaggeration on Steve's part.

More nights than not lately, I'm going to bed frustrated while my husband finds everything else in the world to do besides spank me.  Many mornings I'm waking up to an "I'm sorry, I know you wanted some attention last night, but I was too tired. Don't worry, I'm going to get us back on track."   

He's been one big wind bag lately.  He talks about spanking me, teases me about trying out strange implements, or trying out a different position to put me in, but then..... nothing.

I told him how I felt last night.  "I'm tired of 'I'm sorry'.  If you were really sorry it would have changed.  I'm tired of 'I'm tired'.  Here's a thought... don't stay up until two in the morning watching tv or playing video games and you'd might have the energy to give me some attention.  I'm tired of 'Don't worry'.  I am worried that getting back to the rhythm we had established so well is going to keep being put off until it is all a distant memory. I am worried because I see myself slipping back to where I was before.  I see us slipping back into the previous relationship patterns.  If you don't want me to worry then get us back on track."

Ready for the big reply?  "I know. I'm going to get us back on track."

 I want to yell at him, "Stop telling me that and do it already!" 

Alas, I know this is a common pitfall that many dd couples go through during the course of their relationship, but that doesn't make it any less aggravating.

Anyway, if anyone sees our rhythm, will you please direct it to come back home?  I miss it.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

respect that's deserved and respect that's earned

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.  Normally it is a bad thing because I'm usually reflecting on myself and my self-criticism gets ridiculous. 

This time around it has been focused on my relationship with Steve and trying to figure out how to go about getting myself where I want to be with him.  

There is no doubt about it... I love my husband passionately.  I can't imagine being married to anyone else. I can be a real shrew at times, but he has the patience of Job. To some degree that is part of my issue. He can be too patient and too understanding sometimes. I love him, but respecting him is a whole other story.

IMO there are two kinds of respect: the kind you deserve and the kind you earn.  There is a certain amount of respect that every human being deserves. Any decent human being will demonstrate respect for their fellow humankind. Their existence on the planet dictates that.  

Then there are those in our lives where we look at them and know that they have earned that extra measure of respect.  Our value systems dictate how others earn that respect from us.  For example, I know for myself that I value hard work, perseverance, and achievement, so therefore those whom I have a great deal of respect for model those qualities.  

The thing with Steve is that he doesn't have those qualities naturally.  Steve has many attributes that I love such as kindness and considerateness.  Loving isn't the same as respecting though. Hence my reflection and some of my conclusions.

Steve is my husband - a certain amount of respect is deserved because of who he is to me.

Steve is the HoH in our DD relationship - a certain amount of respect is deserved because of that role.
     
I married Steve for who he is and I don't have the right to expect any more growth or change than I expect from myself.  

Maybe I need to examine why I value what I do and realize that other attributes deserve my respect as well. 

It isn't fair for me to make it impossible for him to earn my respect. 


I'm thinking that it may go hand-in-hand.  If I treat him as if he has earned my respect and not just the respect that he deserves, then the actions to earn it will follow, and I will learn the benefit of valuing all the positive attributes that Steve (and others for that matter) have to offer.  


Sometimes the change that is needed is yourself.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

the strange and unusual

There were things that I expected from Steve on this journey, but one has surprised me completely.... his quest to find new, strange, and unusual things to spank me with.  

No, I'm not talking about just new kinds of paddles or straps.  He checks out anything long and thin, or anything with any kind of flat surface to see if it has spanking potential. 

He's taken a 12" hot glue gun stick to my behind. That stung. Then there was the dog leash. That was a flop (literally and figuratively). The most recent was my keychain.  I have two long strands of pony beads on my keychain that one of my daughter's had strung for me at camp.  He disconnected it from my main ring and spanked me with it.  I didn't like it, not one little bit.  Who would think such small things could hurt so much?!  


Anyway, I think it is time for me to do some more implement shopping.  I'm hoping it will give him something new and curb this obsession with household items.  I know he is interested in a lexan paddle with holes.  I think it would make a nice father's day gift from me to him.  

Funny that three months ago I had to practically twist his arm to try this and now he's the one venturing for new territory.  Go figure. 

Friday, May 13, 2011

stupid tv

Stupid tv!  I rarely watch it these days, but last night I decided to watch a show on-demand that I hadn't seen in a while.  I watched my show, gave the troop goodnight kisses, and headed over to the office to take care of some paperwork.

Forty-five minutes had passed, and I was putting away the last file when Steve walked in the door with implement box in hand.  I'm sure the look on my face was comical.

"Ummm, I was just getting ready to head back home."  "Good, I'm just in time then.  We can talk about some things before we go back."

"Talk about some things?"  "Yes, but strip down and get your cushion so you can kneel in front of the chair."     

Let me just say that I had a lump in my throat at that point.  It has been weeks since we have had a serious formal punishment session, and it was clear that was exactly what was about to happen.

"We need to add a new rule.  I know you don't watch tv very often, but when you do you get absorbed to the exclusion of everything else.  From now on if one of the children are trying to talk to you, you need to pause the tv and give them your full attention.  Your daughter was trying to tell you about her softball game this evening and you didn't give her any attention.  You know that right now we need to seize every opportunity to give her positive attention to counter-balance all the discipline we've had to dole out lately. Right?"    I nodded because I was too ashamed to speak. "Please go stand in the corner and think about it.  I'll be back in a few minutes."

I started crying while I was standing in the corner, and every parent who reads this will know why.  Steve returned about five minutes later and had me resume my position on my knees in front of him in the chair.

"I really didn't like it, and I think it deserves punishment even though it was not a formal rule yet. How do you feel about it?"    "Embarrassed and ashamed...I think you are absolutely right, and I'm not going to be able to forgive myself and move on until I receive punishment for it and apologize to her in the morning. Thank you for noticing it and calling me on it.  I don't want to do that again."  

"I know how much you love our children. Let's get this over with so that we can move on." 

I was paddled, strapped, and caned.  I actually have a few marks left today, but it was what was needed and deserved.  Keep in mind, I know that was not the first time that has happened, just the first time since we started dd.  I was very proud of Steve for stepping up as HoH and pointing out a behavior that was detrimental to my relationship with my children.  If we had not started dd, he might have said something eventually, but I can guarantee you that I would have become defensive and argumentative about it.  I love our new life.

And I hate that stupid tv!

empowered

"What's wrong?"    "What do you mean?"  
 
"You have been very withdrawn the last couple of days, and today you have been really snippy.  Are you feeling ok?"    "Yeh, I'm fine. I have a lot on my mind.  I'm sorry if I've been snippy."

"It's ok.  Sometimes you need to be able to let it out.  I'd rather you let it out on me than on someone else.  It doesn't bother me."   "I know it doesn't, which is one of the things I love about you.  I really don't want you to be my verbal punching bag though.  I think sometimes when I am pushing you, it's because I'm wanting you to push back."

"Wait a minute.  This is because you haven't had a real thorough spanking in a while, isn't it?"    "Probably.  I'm missing the structure, but I'm not upset with you at all.  It is just the way it has had to be recently.  I'm annoyed with myself for being a grouch."

"Well, if you need the grouchiness spanked out of you, then get over here and we'll take care of it right now."    "Right now?"  "Right now!"

I got a thorough hand spanking, ten medium and ten hard strokes of the cane, twenty strokes of the lexan paddle, he had me count out forty strokes of the strap, and a follow-up hand spanking.  I cried from the beginning because I had so much pent up emotion.  It also hurt like crazy because it had been a while for that type of spanking.  I feel worlds better though.  Like a hundred pounds of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel like I could tackle the world.  That seems crazy to me, but that's the way I feel...empowered.    

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

when maintenance isn't enough

Out of sorts.  That is how I feel.  

Even though we have been able to manage squeezing in maintenance during our chaos, I am missing the structure that we had developed.  

Keeping up with the health rules would not have been practical during the past couple of weeks, but that is not to say that some of the other rules didn't get violated frequently.  

I know the reason Steve didn't enforce them is because it has been an incredibly stressful time. It just wouldn't have been a reasonable expectation for either of us.  I still miss it though.  Now that things have settled down, I'm just hoping we haven't lost too much ground.   

I need a good butt whoopin'! Know what I mean?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

still kicking

Wow, the last two weeks have been something else!  I know you guys probably thought I had fallen of the face of the planet.  With G being gone and a lot of stuff going on at the business, it has simply been non-stop! 

We have managed to fit in maintenance three or four times a week, right before we fell exhausted into the bed and fell asleep.  Sometimes I have wanted it.... sometimes I haven't, but he did it anyway knowing that it was what I needed. We haven't had any punishment spankings mostly because we had set aside most of the rules during the last two weeks.  There was just too much to deal with.

Hopefully, life will get a little more sane over the next couple of weeks.  I have enjoyed catching up on everyone's blogs and look forward to getting back into the swing of things. I bet Steve is ready to get back into the "swing of things" too! ;)

Monday, April 25, 2011

back to the new normal

"Did you weigh in this morning?"      "Yeh."   

"And?"    "I gained a pound."  

"Ok, I guess we'll deal with that tonight with whatever else you are due punishment for."    "You're going to spank me tonight?"  

"It's Sunday, don't we normally handle serious punishment then?"    "Yeh, I guess so." 

"Do you not want me to?"    "Yes and no."    

"Well, we're going to go with the yes."     "Whatever."  

"What's wrong with you?"     "You really don't know? All I can say is that I am not feeling submissive right now in any shape or form." 
 
"I know and that is my fault.  I have acted pretty badly these last few days.  It didn't have anything to do with you, but I know I made you feel bad in the process.  Will you please forgive me?"    "Of course."

We ended up having a long discussion about everything that happened, and we both felt a lot better.

When it came time for punishment Steve asked me if it was really okay considering everything that happened.  I told him that we are each individually responsible for our behavior regardless of what the other is doing.  I chose to not stick with my health rules, and I gained weight as a result.  I am accountable for that regardless.  

"Besides, I really need to get back into a submissive frame of mind."  "I think we can accomplish that."

I got it with the hand, spoon, ping pong paddle, lexan paddle, and his belt.  My bottom is sore, but it feels so good to get back to our new "normal.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

mountain top highs and valley lows

Whenever you are on a mountain top the view is always spectacular. Unfortunately, the downside is that the only thing left to do is come back down. Most of the time you get to walk back down the path and revisit all the lovely spots you found on the way up.  It is gentle.  Occasionally though you trip on the way back down and tumble all the way to the bottom - bruised and broken.  Even more rarely, you get tossed down the mountain, and all you can do is pray that you don't die.

What led to this dramatic analogy?  Our business and home worlds have collided for the first time since starting dd.  

Wednesday night after Steve got home from his billiards match, he approached me to say that two of his friends had asked him about going on a four day fishing trip next week and that he wanted the time off to go.  "Steve, that is a business question, not a home question. May we please wait to discuss it when we get to work tomorrow?"  "Sure."

Thursday morning came, and we were sitting in the office.  "So, do you think you can do without me next week?"    "We've got a lot of stuff going on this week and next. Some of it is crucial to our business.  Did you forget that G is already scheduled to be off Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of next week? It's going to be pretty stressful for me already."  [After me, G is probably the most important person in our business in terms of abilities and responsibilities.] "Yeh, I remembered, but I thought you might be able to do without me too."    "I'm just now getting to the point where I'm not being crushed by the anxiety of the last six months, I'm not excited by the prospect of being saddled with trying to take care of all of these crucial business matters and dealing with all of the home stuff by myself."  "It's just that I really wanted to go."   "I understand that, it would have been fun, but there is also the issue of finances. You know we really don't have the money to spare right now."  "Yeh, you're right.  I'll let them know it just isn't good timing right now." 
Prior to dd, I would have just told him no. Although I still had the right and authority to just tell him no, I felt it important to discuss the issue and help him come to the conclusion himself.

If only that was the end of the story, but I have spent the last two days dealing with Steve pouting about it.  I just don't have patience for that.  Two of our children are pouters; I can't stand it with them. I certainly can't stand it with a grown-ass man.  It has affected him as HoH as well.  He's turned back into a non-commital weenie. 

I can't even begin to express just how much it is pissing me off! Although my dad was an abusive parent, he was and is an incredibly hard-working man. A solid work ethic is the one good thing I inherited from him.  Work is something Steve tolerates when he has to.  I have asked him for years to go find a job somewhere else so that I don't have to be his boss, and so all our financial eggs aren't in one basket. It has never happened.  He's always been too insecure.  One of my main reasons for seeking out a dd relationship was because despite the fact that I love my husband fiercely, I was getting tired of feeling like the only adult in the family. I could tell that the pressure was going to either put me in the loony bin, or I was going to end up resenting him to the point of it ruining our relationship. I was so excited to see his development, and now I'm dealing with this crap!

What really makes my blood boil is that I had to recently cancel a trip to the Grand Canyon that I had planned for two years for my 40th birthday.  It was something that was on my bucket list.  However, about a week before the trip some things happened that would have made it incredibly irresponsible of me to go, so I had to cancel.  Was I disappointed? Hell yeah!!!!  Did I pout about it and make the people around me miserable?  Hell no!!!!  Sometimes that is the way life works.  I'm just trusting that God will give me another opportunity down the road.

I would normally chew him out in a situation like this, but that was the old us. So here I sit on the computer at 3:00 in the morning venting to you guys, while I hold my tongue and figure out how J the wife gets her HoH back.  I haven't been spanked or had sex since Tuesday night and three days is a long time for me. J the wife is being neglected because J the boss has apparently tossed Steve down the mountain.  :-(

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

a significant moment

There are times in any journey that you can look back on and say yes that was a turning point or a significant moment.

Last night will probably be one of those times when I look back on our dd journey years from now.

We talked for a long time prior to my punishment spanking.  We explored our lunchtime conversation in a lot more detail.  Stormy's comment on the last post that Steve is a natural or catches on really quickly was spot on. I have been blown away by the speed in which Steve has developed as our HoH.  There was nothing in the previous 15 years that made me think I should expect that.  It has left me off balance.  What I expected was a lot more time to relinquish control. He was actually genuinely surprised that I thought that he was doing that well.  Bless his heart.  I have been in control far too long.

I could tell once the spanking started that he had put a lot of time into thinking about what exactly was going to happen and why.  He lectured me and asked questions in a much more serious and direct way. It felt real versus him acting out a part. I was spanked hard and long with his hand, the wooden spoon, and strap. He then sent me for some corner time. I was thinking to myself that it hadn't been that bad, but then he said, "Ok, come on back over so that we can do the punishment part."   "That wasn't it?" "No, that was the warm up for your minor rule infractions.  Now I'm going to deal with the disrespect and dangerous behavior."    He had the cane and the lexan paddle in his hand.  I received 20 strokes of the cane.  Ten were of medium strength and they hurt, but the last ten were much more severe and really hurt.  He gave me several minutes then I had to bend back over for the lexan.  I received 30 strokes with it alternating from cheek to cheek and the third in the bottom middle. I didn't cry, but I felt punished when we were done.  I have a couple of small bruises from the cane, but otherwise I am fine. 

Last night earns its significance not because of the spanking itself (although, as promised, it was the hardest), but because I think for both of us it cemented in concrete that this was a new reality for us. Not merely some sexual kink, or role-playing, but a true life change in how we are going to manage our marriage and home.  We were a very happy couple before, but I can now see us staying that way for the remainder of the time we are blessed to live on earth together.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

anti-climatic

Last night ended up being anti-climatic. We were both exhausted from the day's activities. I went to bed after posting last night and was expecting to be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night. Fortunately, I was not.  Steve fell asleep on the couch playing video games and ended up not coming to bed until 4:00am.  

It was only a temporary reprieve.

First thing this morning... "Sorry I fell asleep, but I'm going to make up for it today. Come bend over the bed.  I'm going to start out by giving you some strokes with the cane.  You're going to have to stay silent because the children haven't left yet."    He gave me 10 hard strokes.  It took everything in me not to make noise.  We didn't have time to talk so we just embraced and headed over to the office.

"Meet me at the house for lunch."   He was already putting some lunch together for us when I got there. "Drop your pants."   He was holding a pancake turner in his hand. I got a quick but painful spanking with it. "We still have a long way to go, but that is going to have to wait until tonight. Let's eat lunch and talk."

"I'm feeling some resistance from you.  I thought this was what you wanted from me.  I thought you wanted for me to take charge, but the last couple of times I have put my foot down on something I'm seeing negative body language from you.  I'm confused."

"I'm sorry.  It probably is confusing.  Yes, as you are becoming more and more comfortable with your role as HoH, and the true power shift is becoming more and more of a reality, I am having more and more difficulty being submissive.  Please don't think I've changed my mind.  It's just harder than it was.  I have been in charge of all aspects of our lives for fifteen years.  It is hard to surrender, but I'm still committed to this."

"That's all I wanted to know. Since that is the case, there are some things that I feel we really need to address. You were really disrespectful yesterday and some of your actions were also dangerous. It's going to have to wait until after all the kids are in bed and C gets home.  We'll have to wait for her because we'll need to go over to the office.  This will be the hardest spanking I've ever given you, and I don't want us to have to worry about it if you cry out loudly. How do you feel about that?"

"I was afraid that was what you were going to say, and at the same time, afraid that wasn't what you were going to say.  I'm nervous about it, but I trust you and I'm positive that at this critical juncture that is exactly what needs to happen and that I need to submit to it."

"Ok, then that is what is going to happen. I love you so much."

"I love you more."  "I doubt that. [grin]"   He pulled me over his knee and gave me a quick but firm hand spanking.  Let's get back to work before they think we're playing hooky this afternoon."  

I now have about an hour more to wait, and I'm really getting nervous.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm afraid.  Steve would never cause me injury, but I know we are going to be crossing into new territory on our journey.  We're both going to do some growing tonight. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

our two month dd anniversary

Today marks two months on our domestic discipline journey.  I wish I could say that it has been a great day, but it hasn't.  I have been a total grouch today, probably because I haven't been spanked since Friday night.  Another because pasach (passover) began tonight and I had almost no time to prepare. I managed to pull it off, but not without being disrespectful and demanding to Steve, and doing something incredibly stupid. Not exactly the way to start off what should be wonderful family time. We managed to have a nice seder despite myself.

The most dramatic event of the day -  Me being incredibly careless because I was rushing around, and I managed to put a huge dent in the right rear fender of our car that we have owned for less than a week!!! I expected Steve would hug me and be all gushy supportive as he has been in occasions like this in the past.  Nope.  

"I've told you that rushing around never comes to any good.  What if that had been a person you backed into instead of a pole?  You've got to stop doing that. It's just not worth it. Fortunately it is just the car that's damaged.  I'm really concerned about what might happen in the future if you don't stop this running around like a chicken with its head cut off."    I just stood in the driveway crying and I finally said, "I know you're right.  I'm sorry!"  "I know you are.  We'll deal with this later. The kids and I will help you get the seder set up.  Let's just concentrate on that for now, ok?"    I nodded and smiled.

I'm sitting here blogging because Steve said that he needed to play some video games and unwind before he spanks me.  "We've got a lot to take care of."    I'm going to go to bed because I have a feeling this is going to be one of those 2:30am spankings.  I also have the feeling that it is going to be pretty severe, maybe the most severe I've had.  

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.What a way to celebrate! :(

Sunday, April 17, 2011

anxious over perfection

I'm emotionally torn.  

The events of Thursday and Friday night have made what we are doing a firm reality. It is supremely wonderful, but also very scary.  I have spent my entire adult life being in charge and trying to maintain the illusion of control. Even in high school I was the one in charge -  class president, yearbook editor, etc. 

This journey was my idea, but now that Steve's sleeping dominant side has been awoken I'm scared.  Not scared of Steve by any means, but whether I can truly let go. I have enjoyed my moments of submission, but I think I have been comfortable up to now because I have still had some element of control in how this thing has developed. 

I have spent most of yesterday and today contemplating the fact that the moment of truth is coming. The moment is coming when I'm not going to be able to submit, and then what will happen? 

It is like when a person who has flown in an airplane hundreds of times suddenly becomes afraid to fly. They reason that their luck is about to run out.  Disaster is waiting to strike.  That is how I am feeling. Like I am going to screw this up any moment now.  

I'm hoping my maintenance spanking tonight will "knock" this nagging anxiety out. Well at this point I guess I better hope I get maintenance. We skipped it yesterday because our Friday late-night antics wore both of us out. I'm wondering if I should say something or not.  

I know there are many out there who have been in this exact spot. Their blogs are powerful testimonies that I draw comfort from.  Nothing can be or will be perfect. I know in my mind that it will all work out, but my heart is struggling with my desire for perfection. 

I think I'll share these crazy thoughts with Steve, and trust him to take the right action.  That is a step in the correct direction, I hope.  :)    

Saturday, April 16, 2011

another date night

It was another Friday night date night.  

"Are you ready to go?"    "Yeh, I'm ready."   "No, I don't think you are."    "Ummmm, I don't know what you are talking about."  "I think there is one more accessory you need before we go."     

I will admit I was totally confused at that point.  I really was clueless as he took me by the hand and led me back to the bedroom. Laying on the bed was the butt plug and the lube.  

"You're kidding right."  "Nope, the last time we went to the movies you were struggling with being submissive. I think having it in will keep you in the appropriate frame of mind. I want to make sure we have a lot of fun this evening."   "I don't know if I can wear it through the whole movie, Steve."  "I think you can, but if it starts to hurt then I give you permission to excuse yourself and remove it.    "Ok, I guess I'll do it."  "I wasn't giving you an option. Pull up your skirt and pull your panties down and bend over so I can put it in."   I was mortified and incredibly excited all at the same time.  I had never seen Steve act so dominant and it was thrilling.

Steve was 100% correct.  The moment he slid it in, my submissive button was pushed.  I don't know how or why, but my naturally dominant personality completely slipped away. This was the first time I was wearing one in public. It wasn't quite embarrassment I felt. It was more like shyness. My attention was completely focused on him.  I was so aroused that it was hard to watch the movie.  I was ever mindful though when the credits were running to wait patiently for Steve to indicate that it was time to go. 

Like the last time he waited for everyone to be gone.  As I was walking out in front of him I got my bottom squeezed and few playfully hard swats.  When we got to the restrooms he leaned into my ear and whispered, "Much, much better.  Go on in and remove it. We have another stop to make."   We stopped at the office parking lot again, but this time I got a wonderful OTL good girl spanking in the back seat.  I would tell you the rest, but a girl has to have some secrets doesn't she?  I can't wait for another date night!!! ;) 

Friday, April 15, 2011

my daughter was bad and I got spanked!

I would have spanked myself if Steve hadn't done it.  It was a really dumb mistake on my part.  Here's what happened...

I was home early yesterday, so I was there when our children got home from school.  My 13 year old daughter came bouncing in with one of her friends whom we allow her to hang out with usually only at our house (we have some concerns about her home life).  "Hey, Mom.  K has invited me to spend the night since we don't have school tomorrow.  Can I go? Dad told me to ask you."   

I was instantly irritated, not at her, but at Steve.  In our pre-dd life, this would happen all the time. He would always tell the kids to ask me.  Therefore, I was always the bad guy when I would say no.  One of the things that we had discussed about his role as HoH, was that when these things came up that we would tell the children that we had to discuss it with one another first and then he would deliver the verdict.  That had been going well before now.  "Please, please, please, Mom!"  "Ok, I guess so, but you have to be home by 10 am because you have a dentist appointment."  "Thanks, Mom!"  Off she went with her friend to her room to pack up and hang out until K's dad showed up.  

Fast forward an hour and a half.  Steve was coming in the door as our 13 year old was getting ready to head out.  "Hey, sweetie, where are you going?"    Imagine the look on my face. "Wait, you didn't know she was going to K's house?" "Nope."    Well anyone with children could imagine the scene then.      

When we were alone I told him that I was sorry.  "I should have known better than to believe her.  I should have called you."  "Yes you should have.  What on earth made you think that I had suddenly forgotten our procedure for this?"    "I don't know." "Well you're going to get a spanking for it."      

He tore my bottom up. He spanked me with his hand, the ping-pong paddle, the leather strap, and the acrylic paddle.  "I hope you realize now that although you started this, I'm committed to trying my best to do my part.  Don't let the kids fool you again."     "I won't." 


In case you were wondering what happened to the 13 year old, she has no phone or computer privileges for a while.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

out of whack and blessed

I think I figured out why I have felt so resistant to my last punishment spanking and to maintenance last night.  Maintenance last night wasn't particularly hard, but I had deep feelings of ambivalence. It ends up that I started my period today, but I did not make the connection over the last couple of days because it is a week early.  I am a very regular 29-30 day cycle gal.  I'm not sure if my body is resetting itself, or if it just the tremendous stress I have been under.  It does explain the tremendous anxiety I was experiencing on Sunday night. My hormones are completely out of whack!  


I do have a good reason to be experiencing the anxiety and stress that I am.  The business I started and have worked for 18 years is in serious jeopardy.  I started it before I married Steve, but he has been taking an increasingly active role over the years.  The problem isn't the business itself, we have a great reputation and consistent business.  The problem is cash flow due to serious past-due receivables. Would anyone be surprised to know the largest offender is the state?  The state owes me over $30,000.  That is a lot of money for a business our size.  It is our family's sole source of income.  I trust God and I know He has a plan, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I'm doing my best to be positive and demonstrate an attitude of gratitude and that we have to have faith to my employees and the vanilla friends around me.  In the meantime, I've been having some serious prayer closet crying conversations with God lately.


I'm really glad that dd came into our lives when it did.  I have always been responsible for everything, and I'm worn thin.  I feel like a piece of cellophane.  Although we have only been actively engaged in this arrangement for slightly less than two months, it has made a tremendous difference.  In the past, Steve has always been supportive in a "cheerleader"/encourager sort of way. It is different now. In the last week as I have had to make some serious decisions, he has been actively engaged, working through the decision making process with me, and making it clear that we are in this together no matter what.  Even if we lose everything we own and are living in a tent we will at least be together.  I am incredibly grateful for the blessings God has given me and realize that no matter what things look like from the outside, He has not, nor will He forsake me.  After all He is the one responsible for giving me a husband and a family.  That is worth more than anything else. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

feeling resistant

There was a time not that long ago that I could not have imagined feeling resistant to a spanking.  It took me forever to acknowledge the need, and once I did it felt like it was never going to be enough.... until last night, well, technically this morning. 

I was gone most of the weekend due to some professional responsibilities so I had not had a spanking of any kind since Thursday. We had been doing daily maintenance, so the sudden lack of spanking was leaving me feeling down.  When I got back on Sunday afternoon, Steve and I only had a brief period of time to talk and reconnect before he had to leave for a pre-planned social engagement. 

"I'll probably be pretty late.  Why don't you try to go to bed early and I'll wake you up when I get home so we can get in some maintenance."  "Okay."  "Are you alright?"   "Yes and no.  I don't know what is going on with me right now.  I just feel unsettled."  "Do you want me to cancel and stay home?"    He is such a wonderful man!  "Yes, but I know you have been looking forward to this, and I'm not going to let whatever this is interfere with that.  I'm going to take the troop to the park to walk on the nature trail and get some dinner.  I'll be fine." "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I'm sure, please go."  "Alright, thanks baby.  I love you a lot."  "I know [grin]"  (You have to be a Han Solo and Princess Leia fan to get that last interaction.)  A quick swat on the behind and a long kiss and he was out the door.

I was fine until the kids were in bed... then the feeling started to grow.  I tried to go to sleep but couldn't, so I did what I always do in those situations....work.  I was still in the middle of cleaning out a kitchen cabinet when he got home at 2:00 in the morning.  

"What are you doing up?"   "I couldn't sleep.  The more I tried, the more the anxiety started to grow.  I started working to control it."  "You should have called me."  "I started to, but I felt better once I started cleaning out the cabinets. I really didn't want to interupt your fun."  He reached over and pulled me to him and hugged me hard.  "You are more important to me than any of that.  Call me next time."  I nodded against his chest.  "Do you still want to do the spanking or do you want to just come to bed and we can do it tomorrow." 

That's when it happened. I don't know how to explain it, but I had this revolt inside my body that screamed 'noooooooo!'  Outside my body, I put on my most ambivilant and nonchalant face and said, "Well, that is your decision, babe, not mine.  We can wait until tomorrow if you think that would be better."  Ohhh, the sheer manipulativeness of it!!!!  He pondered for a moment.  "No, something inside is telling me we need to go ahead and do it. It is just a maintanance isn't it?"  I hung my head.  That was the problem.  I knew that I needed to tell him that I had some punishment coming and that was why I was feeling so resistant inside.  "No, I have some rule violations to tell you about.  I also need to confess that I was trying to be manipulative just now to try to postpone this."  "It is alright, we are going to fix it."

Fifteen minutes later I was crying and being held tightly in his arms. My bottom was throbbing like never before. I was also being reassured that everything was going to be okay no matter what. We went to bed and I slept like a baby.  God bless domestic discipline.