I'm emotionally torn.
The events of Thursday and Friday night have made what we are doing a firm reality. It is supremely wonderful, but also very scary. I have spent my entire adult life being in charge and trying to maintain the illusion of control. Even in high school I was the one in charge - class president, yearbook editor, etc.
This journey was my idea, but now that Steve's sleeping dominant side has been awoken I'm scared. Not scared of Steve by any means, but whether I can truly let go. I have enjoyed my moments of submission, but I think I have been comfortable up to now because I have still had some element of control in how this thing has developed.
I have spent most of yesterday and today contemplating the fact that the moment of truth is coming. The moment is coming when I'm not going to be able to submit, and then what will happen?
It is like when a person who has flown in an airplane hundreds of times suddenly becomes afraid to fly. They reason that their luck is about to run out. Disaster is waiting to strike. That is how I am feeling. Like I am going to screw this up any moment now.
I'm hoping my maintenance spanking tonight will "knock" this nagging anxiety out. Well at this point I guess I better hope I get maintenance. We skipped it yesterday because our Friday late-night antics wore both of us out. I'm wondering if I should say something or not.
I know there are many out there who have been in this exact spot. Their blogs are powerful testimonies that I draw comfort from. Nothing can be or will be perfect. I know in my mind that it will all work out, but my heart is struggling with my desire for perfection.
I think I'll share these crazy thoughts with Steve, and trust him to take the right action. That is a step in the correct direction, I hope. :)