This is the journey of one control freak wife and one gentle spirited husband as they seek to balance their

roles in their home
and bring an extra measure of joy to their already happy marriage.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

anxious over perfection

I'm emotionally torn.  

The events of Thursday and Friday night have made what we are doing a firm reality. It is supremely wonderful, but also very scary.  I have spent my entire adult life being in charge and trying to maintain the illusion of control. Even in high school I was the one in charge -  class president, yearbook editor, etc. 

This journey was my idea, but now that Steve's sleeping dominant side has been awoken I'm scared.  Not scared of Steve by any means, but whether I can truly let go. I have enjoyed my moments of submission, but I think I have been comfortable up to now because I have still had some element of control in how this thing has developed. 

I have spent most of yesterday and today contemplating the fact that the moment of truth is coming. The moment is coming when I'm not going to be able to submit, and then what will happen? 

It is like when a person who has flown in an airplane hundreds of times suddenly becomes afraid to fly. They reason that their luck is about to run out.  Disaster is waiting to strike.  That is how I am feeling. Like I am going to screw this up any moment now.  

I'm hoping my maintenance spanking tonight will "knock" this nagging anxiety out. Well at this point I guess I better hope I get maintenance. We skipped it yesterday because our Friday late-night antics wore both of us out. I'm wondering if I should say something or not.  

I know there are many out there who have been in this exact spot. Their blogs are powerful testimonies that I draw comfort from.  Nothing can be or will be perfect. I know in my mind that it will all work out, but my heart is struggling with my desire for perfection. 

I think I'll share these crazy thoughts with Steve, and trust him to take the right action.  That is a step in the correct direction, I hope.  :)    


  1. You know I have very similar feelings all the time. The need to control is still in me and sometimes it pops right out. Especially if life feels out of control. But overall, even though I may go through a tough stretch with this from time to time, I love the feelings submission brings so much that so far I've been able to settle back to it.

  2. JW, I think perhaps part of giving up control is giving up the fantasy of perfection. It isn't going to happen. I have been humbled by my humanity through this process of TTWD, and reassured by Grant's ability to love me still, as imperfect as I am. Submission is the same, yours isn't going to be perfect, but you'll keep trying. It will be ok! Sara