I think I figured out why I have felt so resistant to my last punishment spanking and to maintenance last night. Maintenance last night wasn't particularly hard, but I had deep feelings of ambivalence. It ends up that I started my period today, but I did not make the connection over the last couple of days because it is a week early. I am a very regular 29-30 day cycle gal. I'm not sure if my body is resetting itself, or if it just the tremendous stress I have been under. It does explain the tremendous anxiety I was experiencing on Sunday night. My hormones are completely out of whack!
I do have a good reason to be experiencing the anxiety and stress that I am. The business I started and have worked for 18 years is in serious jeopardy. I started it before I married Steve, but he has been taking an increasingly active role over the years. The problem isn't the business itself, we have a great reputation and consistent business. The problem is cash flow due to serious past-due receivables. Would anyone be surprised to know the largest offender is the state? The state owes me over $30,000. That is a lot of money for a business our size. It is our family's sole source of income. I trust God and I know He has a plan, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm doing my best to be positive and demonstrate an attitude of gratitude and that we have to have faith to my employees and the vanilla friends around me. In the meantime, I've been having some serious prayer closet crying conversations with God lately.
I'm really glad that dd came into our lives when it did. I have always been responsible for everything, and I'm worn thin. I feel like a piece of cellophane. Although we have only been actively engaged in this arrangement for slightly less than two months, it has made a tremendous difference. In the past, Steve has always been supportive in a "cheerleader"/encourager sort of way. It is different now. In the last week as I have had to make some serious decisions, he has been actively engaged, working through the decision making process with me, and making it clear that we are in this together no matter what. Even if we lose everything we own and are living in a tent we will at least be together. I am incredibly grateful for the blessings God has given me and realize that no matter what things look like from the outside, He has not, nor will He forsake me. After all He is the one responsible for giving me a husband and a family. That is worth more than anything else.