This is the journey of one control freak wife and one gentle spirited husband as they seek to balance their

roles in their home
and bring an extra measure of joy to their already happy marriage.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

not our fantasy

"Are you sure that you want me to blog about this?"  

"Why not?  It is gross and kind of funny.  It just goes to show that in real life things don't always go the way you fantasize, and that's okay."

"I would just as soon forget it myself." 

"It is a part of our story. Besides I promise one day we will look back on it and laugh our heads off."

"The look on your face was comical."

"That's the spirit!"

So I blame the following story on Audra (The Gift of Submission).  She recently wrote a post about butt plugs.  As far as I know Steve didn't read it, but she is still responsible for putting the butt plug vibe out to the universe!  :) Anyway here's what happened (I apologize now for grossing you out!) ... 

six hours earlier....

Steve comes up behind me while I'm in the kitchen this afternoon and whispers in my ear, "My parents are coming to pick up the troop in a little bit to take them to a movie and then to dinner. We are going to have the house to ourselves, so I intend to have some fun with you."

"Hmmm, what if I told you I already had a plan for what I was doing this afternoon?"

"Too bad.  This is a rare opportunity, and I'm going to take advantage of it.  Go on to the bedroom and strip.  I'll make sure the kids get on their way.  Oh, and to make sure you are in the right frame of mind, put in one of the butt plugs while you wait for me." 

I stood there gawking at him. It has been about a month since he last had me use a butt plug.

"Stop staring at me like a deer in headlights!  You heard me, go do it or there will be more than maintenance in your future!  

I scurried off to the bedroom and did what he asked.  It was very disconcerting to hear his parents in the house while I'm lying naked on the bed with a butt plug in my bottom. 

I died a little death when I heard his mom ask, "Where's Julia?"  

"She's lying down in the bedroom. She has a headache," my husband the liar said. 

"Poor dear! Tell her I hope she fills better soon."

"Don't worry, I'm giving her some medicine as soon as you guys head out."   OMG! I can't believe he said that!

I heard the front door close and shivers of anticipation went down my spine.

"Put some pillows under your hips.  We're going to start by taking care of maintenance." 

Let me just say that this part of the afternoon was perfect.  He started with the wooden spoon, then moved on to the ping pong paddle, and finished with the strap.  The strapping was great. He probably gave me about a hundred swats.  They landed nice and even on both cheeks with a lot of sting. My bottom was nice and hot when he was done.

He proceeded to flip me over and went down on me.  The arousal was so intense I felt light-headed.  After a little bit he flipped himself around so that I could pleasure him at the same time.  We were both so in to it and having a great time, when the unexpected happened...

Steve touched my side in such a way that it was very ticklish, and I reacted by laughing out loud.  Before I had any control of what was happening, out flew the butt plug along with ....umm....other stuff right in Steve's face!

I flew upright with a "Holy crap!" (Bad choice of words I know!)  Now Steve looked like the deer in headlights.  He was clearly stunned.  I ran like a mad woman to get a towel to wipe him off and get the sheets off the bed.  I started babbling, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" over and over again.  

When Steve came out of the bathroom from washing his face and hair, he grabbed me and pulled me close and said, "Will you please stop saying you're sorry!  It's not your fault.  It was an accident.  I didn't mean to tickle you, if it's anyone's fault it is mine."

I broke down sobbing at that point.  "That was so humiliating!"  

"Stop it right now! It is okay.  It's not your fault and you have nothing to be embarrassed about!  Besides [he put a wicked grin on his face] now we know that is one fettish we will never be into!"

I slapped him and hugged him and even managed a smile at that point.

"Why don't we get back in bed and carry on." 

"I'm so not in the mood now."

"Well, I'll fix that." 

He did and it was a great afternoon.  If I could just blot out that incident it would have been a fantasy afternoon. 

Alas, real life has a way altering fantasy fast.  So the next time one of your romantic interludes doesn't go the way you expect, just remember poor Steve and me.  It might make your evening not seem so bad!  ;)


  1. ROFL! Isn't blogging all about the good, the bad and the ugly??? Plus, how often do you get a chance to truly stun the HOH? :)

  2. ha're right...that was gross. But, you just confirmed for me this nagging question I've had in my head for awhile "to try butt plugs or not?" I choose the latter....

  3. Gross! Did I ever mention I'm squeamish? Well that's real life at it's most real I guess.

    Good thing you both have a sense of humor!

  4. I don't usually talk about what I read in blogland to Daddy, but for this blog I made an exception. I read it to him (in a restaurant while waiting). We both were lol! That was too funny;)!


    P.S. For the record, I'm so out of the loop, before I started blogging, I'd never even heard of butt plugs, lol! Thanks goodness I still haven't had the "pleasure" of using one, either, lol!

  5. argh, I just spit water all over my keyboard, ROFLMAO!!!!

    seriously though, as someone who has always wanted to but never yet played with this particular toy*, I appreciate you putting this story out there, even thought it was embarrassing. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.
    Between you and Audra, this is what I have learned so far: pre-assemble the Travel Fun Kit, seems to kick in submissiveness (sooo curious if it has this effect on others too) and most important, NO LAUGHING while in use. ;)

    *HATE the name "buttplug" - hate it, hate it, hate it. and "dildo" too. Where were the marketing geniuses when these toys were named?! Couldn't they call them something nicer? Ewwwww.

  6. Olivia,

    One of my sons loves birds. What kind of bird is that in your picture? And is it doing what I think or is my imagination on overdrive, lol?!


    P.S. Roflol on your rant on names of "toys"! I've thought the same thing myself.

  7. Omg, I know it was awful for you, but that was flippin hilarious! Like something right out of that movie Bridesmaids!

  8. Steve was hoping that if I blogged about it and others found the humor it would make me feel better. Thanks guys it does. :)

    I really hope it doesn't discourage anyone who hasn't used them yet from trying one. Steve and I have been using them for sex play for about two years and they are great. I feel very submissive during use and now that we are a dd couple it is an effective tool for prevention or putting me in the right mind set (I find it impossible to try to take authority of anything with something shoved in my rear!). This incident was the result of the bad timing and the position that I was in that left me with little muscle control. Not a mistake we'll make again. I've worn mine in a number of different situations both private and public and except for a little lube leakage (easily dealt with pantie-liners) have been incident free up to this event.

    Hopefully others will make additional comments about positive butt plug experiences.

    I do agree, Olivia, that "butt plug" isn't the greatest name in the world. Anyone want to offer up some alternatives?

  9. I love questions that have you thinking creatively!!

    How about "keister kork"? :)

  10. OMG....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm so sorry for your embarassment (why can I NEVER spell that word), but that is priceless. Thank goodness you both have a great sense of humor. Sex is not always pretty like the movies...lots of strange sounds and such :)

    Hope about "attitude ass adjuster" my triple A...not the car club

  11. darn it...I can't type today.. that was HOW about...not hope about.....sheesh

  12. Typing. Hmm. I didn't think this was intentional:

    "Poor dear! Tell her I hope she fills better soon."


    Reality always seem to step in just when we thought we had everything under control.

  13. OMG! LOL! I thought I had edited it better than that! Talk about a Freudian slip!!! That adds humor to the situation. Thanks for pointing it out to me. :)

  14. @Kitty, I believe it's a hummingbird but not certain. I just liked the look of it - an angry little hummingbird, buzzing away. When I read your comment, I immediately enlarged the picture (horrified at the idea that my avatar might be doing something rude) but it looks pretty harmless (whew). ;)

    JW, re your fills/feels typo - I'm glad bloggers have the same problems as posters. I think I find typos - and more often skipped words - in 75% of my posts. It makes me crazy! I swear I re-read them multiple times before submitting but still, argh.

    errr....ok, I hope this isn't too much, particularly since it's on someone else's blog (sorry Julia) but....since we are embracing the TMI with toys...does anyone have experience with any kegel exerciser contraptions? I'm not sure if it's an age thing or if I've always been "leaky" (oh, so embarrassed now, thank god this is anonymous) but when I look online, I'm just overwhelmed by the selection and they all seem to be the 'best on the market'. Anyone?
    (Julia, pls don't post this if you feel it is inappropriate)

  15. No worries... my suggestion would be ben wa balls. I found them effective after baby number four.