This is the journey of one control freak wife and one gentle spirited husband as they seek to balance their

roles in their home
and bring an extra measure of joy to their already happy marriage.

Monday, June 13, 2011

sex, spanking, and marriage

There has been a lot of discussion in the blogs lately about sex and spanking and how much they are interrelated.

When Steve and I first began this journey, I had no idea how all the elements of sex, spanking, and marriage would fit together.  I had expected puzzle pieces that would fit together neatly, but in reality, for us at least, it is like a tightly inter-woven tapestry.  

Love, trust, commitment, pain, sexual excitement, submission, partnership, dominance, and intimacy in a multicolored display that makes it difficult to know when one ends and another begins.  It defies the capacity of logic.  

At the beginning of the journey I believed that if sex and spanking were to be intermixed, it would occur with play spanking and maintenance spanking.  We were surprised that as this has developed, we were finding that it is during and after punishment spankings that we are most sexually in tune with one another.  We feel an intense connection.  For us, I think that punishment spankings have become the moment when all the elements I mentioned above converge.  

Does that mean I want punishment spankings all the time?  No, only when I've earned it.  That I believe is part of the magic.  Those moments are what brings special elements of color to our marriage tapestry.  Too much and the colors would become garish and overwhelming, too little and it would be drab and boring. I think Steve and I have been weaving a beautiful tapestry for the last fifteen years and these extra bits of color that we have added recently have made it priceless. 

It is unfortunate as a society that we have so devalued and cheapened the elements of sex, intimacy, and marriage.  We compartmentalize sex from marriage and even send constant media messages that say that marriage is the death of fulfilling sex and intimacy.  

I genuinely grieve for those that do not get to experience marriage in its full glory, and I think those of us who are in great marriages have a responsibility to express just how wonderful marriage really is.  Is marriage easy?  Absolutely not! It is, however, the most beautiful relationship when it is nurtured and treasured.

It is my prayer this evening for everyone out there that if you are married, or at some point in the future choose marriage, that you will be able to look at it and see beautiful artistry in the tapestries that you are creating.   


  1. JW, I'm so glad you put up this post. I'm a single 40-something who would like to be married someday. The statistics about divorce are daunting and I don't see many positive examples around me. I think that's why I'm drawn to the blogs of women in long-term relationships who use DD as a tool (and I understand it's just a tool, not a miraculous formula for success) to help make their marriages "work".

    I particularly love your penultimate paragraph, "I genuinely grieve for those that do not get to experience marriage in its full glory, and I think those of us who are in great marriages have a responsibility to express just how wonderful marriage really is. Is marriage easy? Absolutely not! It is, however, the most beautiful relationship when it is nurtured and treasured."

    I really *want* to hear from/about women in successful marriages - that it's hard work but the benefits are worthwhile.

    Oh, and you're right - we are definitely given a message that sex after marriage goes downhill.

  2. I totally agree. That was beautifully said. Thanks JW.

  3. Totally agree too - marriage is so beautiful ecspecially when you are connected and committed and you get through the *good times and the bad* by working hard and STAYING.

  4. Maybe it's because you're feeling especially sub. to his Domness(is that a word, lol) during punishments.

    Good post!


  5. Awesome! I love your writing! Marriage is indeed a tapestry..and when you are with your beloved and deeply connected, that tapestry is thrown over you and you melt into it's coziness. Ahhh. Bliss!

    Just loved this entry.

  6. Olivia - I'm sure you'll find the right one, and we'll be here to celebrate when you do!

    CedenoGems - thanks :)

    Ashley - Preach it and I'll turn the pages!

    Kitty - I'm sure that is part of it. ;)

    Sara - Thanks, I'm glad to see that your Blogger issue seems to be resolved.

    Stormy- Thank you. I love your writing as well. I accept it as high praise indeed!

  7. Do people think it alright for the husband to be spanked?

    I always ask my wife to do it to me because I find it such a switch on. She doesn't like it for herself actually, but she is comfortable doing it to me.

    I keep reading about discipline and I am wondering where this fits in or even if it has to. I am the man of the house and cannot imagine her spanking me as a real punishment. That would turn the whole relationship on it's head and may detrimentally affect the wonderful marriage I already have. As a christian she believes she should be subject to me and I don't think I should change that as it has worked for over twenty years.

    What do others think. Can it not just be sexual and not about real punishment?

  8. Blondie - This is one of those things where I don't think it matters what others think. It is about what is best for you and your wife. IMHO - It is perfectly okay to have spanking as part of your sexual play with your wife and if you like to be on the receiving end that is okay too. You do not have to have a domestic discipline relationship to enjoy spanking in your marriage. I

  9. Thank you for being so open minded JW. Sorry I didn't come back to you. Some sites link to one's e mail and I assumed.

    I can understand a DD marriage with the wife receiving. The other way round though seems out of joint. That is not to say that I do not thoroughly enjoy what happens in my marriage in a sexual way which opens me up emotionally and where I feel very close to my wife.