This is the journey of one control freak wife and one gentle spirited husband as they seek to balance their

roles in their home
and bring an extra measure of joy to their already happy marriage.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

punishment glitch

Got my maintenance spanking this morning. He changed it up by whipping me with his belt 50 times on my bare bottom (lighter than his punishment strokes).  I wished we could have taken more time.  I could have taken a lot more.  Then I had my punishment spanking this afternoon before the children got home from school.  It was the same as the last one except the wood spoon time was longer (I made the mistake of telling him how much I dislike the spoon) and he had decided to do the 30 strokes of the belt continuously instead of in sets and to do them hard. Great!  That was going fine until stroke 13 when what was apparently a small rough spot on the belt put a small scratch on my behind and a couple of droplets of blood seeped up.  You would have thought from his reaction that I was hemorrhaging!!! It took me a little bit to get him calmed down and convinced that I was not hurt and get him to finish the job.   He did, but the strokes were lighter again.  Sigh. It is now my job to take some sandpaper and go over the edges of the belt to make sure they are smooth. I'm glad my husband is concerned about injuring me, but I really need more severe punishment to curb my behavior (I've already forgotten another dose of medicine, let some profanity slip, and got impatient with my children since the spanking this afternoon!!) We have a safe word, and I've promised to use it if I were ever truly in distress. Does anyone have any other suggestions that might help my husband become more comfortable with being more severe?   


  1. JW, Here's my thoughts. It is a lot easier for a husband who is not innately a spanko to learn your limits (and to expand his) outside of a punishment scenario. That takes time to get there. If he was not worried about hurting you, about being too severe, I'd be worried about what kind of man he really was. The good ones worry! Be patient, give him time, and talk to him @ how you feel, what you need. The punishment piece is what really comes together last, after the spanking routine, and everything that goes with it, gets comfortable. Seriously, that often takes a year or more. Since you asked for advice about what you can do....lots of spanking practice out side of punishment and lots of patience is needed...and lots of sincere work on your part to make the punishments required few and far between. Sara

  2. Sara- Thank you for such excellent advice, especially the last part. It humbled me and pricked my guilt a little because I think I am subconsciously not putting as much effort into following the rules as I could be, and I know that I am not being patient enough. I need to focus on good things like my husband telling me yesterday that he has noticed some positive changes in me since we have begun, and I've already posted about some of the positive changes in him. After all, that is the point of it, right? :) Thank you again for your gentle correction.

  3. You have a GREAT husband!! I would have FREAKED OUT too!!


  4. He is great! Right now punishments are harder on him than they are on me.

  5. Can't help ya! I have no interest in helping my hubby spank me more or harder!

  6. In your case, I would recommend that you investigate the birch switch. You said, "I have strong childhood memories of being switched." So, you might not like this idea because it might remind you too much of that. However, if you thought the single switch hurt you will find that the birch is worse! But, it does not generally create the kind of bruising that a paddle or the belt would. So, he might not feel like he's doing as much damage (for his part) but you may find it painful and scary enough that it makes you change your behavior.

    I think it may help him to distinguish between hurting you and harming you. In D/s, it is okay to hurt the submissive, but it's not okay to harm them. In fact, properly inflicting the pain on them helps them to change their behavior for the better. This is the opposite of harm.

    Of course, it is possible to inflict an intended punishment that actually harms someone. It's relatively difficult to do that with a spanking, paddling or whipping. As long as these are used on the proper parts of the body, they seldom cause harm (lasting physical damage). There are many good books on this, such as SM 101, that will show you exactly what to avoid.

    Also, the important thing about discipline is that it has to result in a change in behavior. The way for him to think about this is not so much in terms of pain as in terms of achieving an observable change in what you do. You've been clear that you want him to punish you harshly enough to change your behavior.

    Finally, not every punishment needs to be flagellation. He can increase the severity of the punishment by adding or substituting other forms of punishment. For example, I sometimes require the submissive to write out in detail exactly why she deserves the punishment. This allows her to connect the punishment to her behavior, which can make it more effective. Generally, disciplinarians use some combination of shame and pain to effect their results.

    Thanks for writing about your situation. Your descriptions are very succinct and clear. I think they would be very helpful to others starting out to understand the dynamics.

  7. Stormy - I'm anxious to get to the point where I'm not interested in helping Steve spank me more or harder either! ;)

    Rich Person - Thank you so much for your perspective. It was very helpful and I'm going to print it out for Steve. Because of my childhood abuse experiences, we are approaching switches with caution. I'm sure at some point we'll try it, but I hope we stick to a single switch for now. :)

  8. I can understand that. And, not every punishment has to warm your bottom anyway. There are plenty of other options. Good luck!