more punishment firsts

Wednesday night is supposed to be maintenance, but alas I earned punishment instead. It has been a couple of days since I have had a spanking, and for the most part I have been good. I've only used profanity once since the last spanking. It was after dealing with a very difficult employee.  Although I maintained my professional demeanor while handling the situation, afterward I drug Steve into my office so that I could vent.  As always, he patiently let me spill it all, then hugged and reassured me that my feelings were valid.  "And since you used self-control and waited until we were in private to let loose with the profanity, I'm going to let it go this time.  I really wanted to use some myself.  I'm not sure how you kept from cussing him out." I normally don't like it if he cuts me slack, but that time I really appreciated it.

The big problem is that I'm still struggling with remembering to take all of my medicine.  I've missed three out of the sixteen doses I should have taken thus far this week.  This is an improvement, but it is essential that I don't miss any in order to keep myself in remission.  It was a rule I put on the list, but it has become increasingly important to my husband.  He knows the seriousness of it, and he is beginning to see, now that I have to report it to him, why I put it on the list.  

As I stand bare bottom in front of him...  "You've been really good since your last spanking, but I am really concerned about the medicine. I know it is just supposed to be maintenance tonight, but I feel like we need to do a punishment spanking because this really has to stop.  Do you understand?"   "I understand."  Then came the part I didn't want to hear.  "Okay, I want you to lay on your stomach on the bed and put some pillows under your hips."

I'm going to tell you something that I'm not going to tell him; I hate that position.  It is so isolating to me, and I find it very difficult to stay still and submit.  Then for whatever reason my bottom was extra sensitive tonight.  I knew he wasn't spanking me any harder and certainly not any longer than he has before, but it just really seemed to hurt tonight. For the first time ever I was actively wiggling and rolling away from him, and for the first time ever he was pulling me back into position and holding me down.  "You need to stop, or I'm just going to keep going."  For the first time ever I experienced that sense of panic from realizing that I had no control over when he was going to stop. I was so relieved when he finally stopped and said that we were taking a break before he switched to the belt.  This was quickly replaced by surprised when he said, "Since there is stuff in your usual corner, go stand in the walk-in closet and close the door.  I'll be back for you in a minute."  I felt ridiculous standing in the closet (I won't tell him that either because he will surely do it again.), and  I started to cry.  I'm finding that I am crying easier during the spankings now.  I am assuming it is because I am releasing myself to experience my emotions more readily.

When he came back in he had me resume my position over the pillows.  "Since you are doing better with taking your medicine, I'm only going to give you twenty strokes of the belt, but they are going to be hard.  Count them out."  I managed to count them and stay in position, but it really hurt. Those twenty felt like fifty or sixty.  I started crying again as soon as he was done.  He left me alone for a little bit and then we went about our normal after-care routine, which at this point invariably includes sex because we can't seem to keep our hands to ourselves after a spanking. 

We talked afterward, and he stated that the disciplinary role is getting easier for him as he is really starting to understand the necessity of it.  It was a difficult spanking for me for whatever reason, but I am so happy that my husband is growing into his role more and more.