Thursday, February 24, 2011
at home alone struggling
I'm having a hard day today. I've broken rules 4 times today and it is only 5:00pm. I'm also struggling with the idea of being punished by Steve because he's made some decisions today regarding what was going on at home that I think are selfish. That deep rooted spirit of rebellion is rearing its ugly head and saying to me "he's not worthy of being the HOH, you need to scrap this and take back over control". Since I asked for this lifestyle, I know he would just drop it if I said forget it. I know that I don't want to forget it. I have so much responsibility for our business (I owned it first and he became a partner later); I NEED for him to be in control at home. I NEED to be able to completely surrender to him with the things we agreed he would have authority over. I also realize that his worthiness is not the issue. He has to deal with his worthiness, not me. I NEED for him to spank me until I'm begging for mercy. I NEED for him to whip me with his belt until I have totally surrendered. Maybe I am crazy for wanting this. Then on top of it all, he isn't going to be home until late tonight. He says he's going to deal with the punishment when he gets home even if he has to wake me up. We'll see. If he does it half-ass, I think I'll scream. I'm feeling angry, resentful, and rebellious, and I'm not 100% sure why I'm feeling this way. We had such a good day yesterday. If there is anyone out there who reads this, and has any empathy or understanding, or just some small bit of input, correction, or encouragement please let me know. I feel lost in a sea of emotional oblivion.
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JW, I don't have much advice, as I feel like your inferior...I haven't been married. I'm only 20, and such...I'm sure you have lots of wisdom. From the posts I've read, you seem to be thinking things through well. After you talked about your list of rules, you said that you and your husband have a "signal" so he knows you want a spanking and that way you won't be bratting. That rule alone shows forsight and steady thinking.
ReplyDeleteI just want to tell you to hold on!!! These things don't happen overnight or in weeks...but in months, and probably years. He's never going to be "worthy". I would suggest maybe finding some other couple's sites who are involved in DD and maybe talking with them. My blog is kind of a smorgasborg of stuff...although I would say my boyfriend and I are DD.
Everyone is different. But your husband seems to already be growing and learning in order to help you. I think most guys wouldn't be able to handle the discipline aspect if they weren't already wishing to do it. I had a boyfriend who absolutely refused. So that fact that he's accepting this about you is in itself a wonderful thing.
I really understand what you mean when you said you need to be spanked until you're "begging for mercy"...that feeling does not go away. But its intensity can and the guilt of holding that in can...I hope that you get that spanking.
Part of me cheered when I read on a prior post of your's that your husband sort of stopped spanking on your first punishment one because he wanted to suddenly spank you hard and fast and it scared him.
Keep talking. :) Keep hoping. And keep looking at the good things. From what you've been saying, there are some really good things that have happened.
Hugs,
Bonnie-jo
Your words were very comforting and helped to put things into perspective. I have to remind myself that it has only been 6 days. I'm not a patient person (will have to go on the list at some point). I have a fantastic husband. Your right in that the simple fact he is willing to try to travel this path with me is something to be grateful for. What took me by surprise today was the duality of wanting to be spanked relentlessly and the deep feeling of rebellion in the same breath. I had read of the phenomenon on other DD blogs, but it is unsettling when you are experiencing it yourself for the first time. By the way, you are inferior to no one. Less life experience does not make one inferior, just less experienced. The fact that you have embraced yourself and your needs at age 20 and it took me an extra 20 years to do that means you're way ahead of the game.
ReplyDeleteWell, I suppose I just felt like I might be telling you things you already knew...but thanks for your comment as well. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it helped a little....
:)
Do you have a safe word? If not, get one. That way your husband doesn't have to be a mind reader. Can you express to him your need to be spanked to your limit? If you both agree on a safe word then you can warn him when you think you are close and he will be able to do what you have asked and know that you are safe.
ReplyDeleteYou could have an agreement that he asks you after his reaches what he is comfortable with,"have you had enough/learned your lesson? If you answer is no and there is a safe word, he can continue and ask again and again and again. The safe word will save you both.
Write him a letter/email explaining exactly what you what. It may save you both from months of trail and error. You feeling frustrated and him feeling like he is not getting it. Tell him clearly i.e. I want to not sit the next day or something to that effect. We girls might get PMS but the guys never have ESP. Say what you want and hold on tight. : )
MJimz