Thursday, February 24, 2011
at home alone struggling
I'm having a hard day today. I've broken rules 4 times today and it is only 5:00pm. I'm also struggling with the idea of being punished by Steve because he's made some decisions today regarding what was going on at home that I think are selfish. That deep rooted spirit of rebellion is rearing its ugly head and saying to me "he's not worthy of being the HOH, you need to scrap this and take back over control". Since I asked for this lifestyle, I know he would just drop it if I said forget it. I know that I don't want to forget it. I have so much responsibility for our business (I owned it first and he became a partner later); I NEED for him to be in control at home. I NEED to be able to completely surrender to him with the things we agreed he would have authority over. I also realize that his worthiness is not the issue. He has to deal with his worthiness, not me. I NEED for him to spank me until I'm begging for mercy. I NEED for him to whip me with his belt until I have totally surrendered. Maybe I am crazy for wanting this. Then on top of it all, he isn't going to be home until late tonight. He says he's going to deal with the punishment when he gets home even if he has to wake me up. We'll see. If he does it half-ass, I think I'll scream. I'm feeling angry, resentful, and rebellious, and I'm not 100% sure why I'm feeling this way. We had such a good day yesterday. If there is anyone out there who reads this, and has any empathy or understanding, or just some small bit of input, correction, or encouragement please let me know. I feel lost in a sea of emotional oblivion.