Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I tried to be good today, but the profanity rule got me again, twice. I also got impatient and yelled at my youngest child when it wasn't necessary. These are really bad, well-ingrained habits. I felt horrible, because my husband is really struggling with punishment spanking. Our first punishment spanking wasn't very successful. However, we made significant progress this evening. We really connected emotionally during the lecture. He sat on the edge of the bed and had me kneel down in front of him. He gently put his hand under my chin and questioned me about my behavior and why it needs to change. I think for the first time he really understood that my behavior was really hurting my heart. He lectured me in his quiet, gentle voice which caused my shame to triple. Despite being a tall and burley-looking man, Steve is soft spoken. It would have felt fake had he tried to use a really stern voice. He then put me over his knee and gave me the longest hand spanking he's ever given me. It actually started hurting enough that I tried to cover my bottom with my hand. I was surprised that he didn't stop. He grabbed my hand and moved it out of the way and kept right on going. This was followed by the belt. This is where he struggles. He opted for 4 strokes (1 for each offense plus one reminder.) These were harder than the previous time he used the belt. Then he made me stand facing the wall until he retrieved me. Emotionally this punishment session was very effective. I felt ashamed and embarrassed about my behavior. Physically it still wasn't harsh enough to make me not want to experience it again, but we're getting there. The success of this session has led us to adopt a tracking system. I will be responsible for recording each time I break one of the rules and have been punished for it. Each time I violate the same rule Steve will add a stroke of the belt. We feel this will allow Steve to become more comfortable with delivering harsher punishment, and it will help him recognize that it is justified because the previous punishment was not hard enough to deter me. It has been a good dd day.