This is the journey of one control freak wife and one gentle spirited husband as they seek to balance their

roles in their home
and bring an extra measure of joy to their already happy marriage.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

a shameful moment

As embarrassing as my last post was, this one is shameful. Sorry, there is no humor to this one. It was a dark moment for me. I got my rear end tore up yesterday, and I totally deserved it.  

My stress levels just stay incredibly high these days, and I was really on edge when I got home yesterday. I felt like I was going to pop out of my skin.  I immediately lit into my children when I walked through the door because they had not done their chores.  

Steve, who had come home about fifteen minutes before me, immediately intervened.  "Julia, that's my job, and I will handle it.  Go in our room and rest for a bit."    

"I don't need you to handle it! I'm perfectly capable of handling it.  The children always did their chores when I was in charge!" [Yes, I was yelling.]

Does anyone have deja vu?  I should have.  Steve and I just played out this almost same exact scene a little over a week ago.  How come I didn't remember the outcome of that?

"Kids, I need you to go in your rooms right now, and don't leave it until I tell you to."    [calm, but with steel in it]

As soon as the kids were out of sight, he grabbed me by the arm and practically dragged me out the door.

"Let me go right now!" [I'm pretty much screaming at this point.]

"I don't think so."

"Noooo, I am not going back over to the office!!!!"

"Fine, we'll go this way!"

He swung me around and started heading to the back of the property... straight for the shed.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"  I dug my heels in as best I could.

"Julia, you are going to start cooperating right now, or so help me G-d I, I... I don't know what I'm going to do."     

Steve let go of my arm and stood looking incredibly sad in the middle of our yard.  I stood there on the verge of tears.  I was so overwrought at this point.

"Julia, I don't want to spank you against your will, but at the same time I don't want this behavior to carry on.  I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and that you put me there. You desperately need a spanking.  You are going to sit on the porch swing in front of the shed.  When you are ready to submit to the spanking, you come get me.  I'm going back inside to decide what we're having for dinner.  Do not come back into the house until you've got it together!"

"You're trying to tell me that I can't come into the house that I f*&%$ng pay for?  F&%$ you!!!"  

I tried to storm back to the house.  Steve picked me up and while I was kicking, cussing, and hitting him, he carried me to the shed.  He sat us both down on the swing with him keeping an iron grip on me.

He held me until I stopped my temper tantrum. I started crying, and I didn't think I was ever going to stop.  Steve rubbed my back for what seemed like an eternity.  

When the sobs slowed down to shuttered breathing, Steve leaned in and said, "Feeling better?"   I nodded.

"Let's go in the shed."    

This time I followed him in.  

"Strip."     I started crying softly and took off all of my clothes.

"Do you understand why I pulled you out of the house?"     


"Do you understand why I didn't want you to go back in?"  


"Do you understand how much you hurt me just now?"   

"Yesssssss. I'mmm sorrrrrrry!!!"  I was wailing at this point.

"I'm a grown man, I love you, and I'll get over it.  The children are a different story. I know that you are incredibly stressed right now. I do not want you to look back and realize that you have taken it out on your children. You are coming dangerously close to being flat out verbally abusive. I would even venture that you are being verbally abusive to me.  I know you don't want that."
"No.....I..... don't." [Lots of sobbing and sniffling in between] 

"I've been thinking about this and I think part of the problem is that most people have some type of commute between work and home that gives them time to decompress.  You just have to walk across the street.  With the level of stress you have you need more than that.  From now on I want you to walk straight to our bedroom as soon as you get home and for you to lie down, or do some deep breathing, or do some yoga stances.  I'm going to instruct the children that they are not to disturb you, but are to come to me if they need something until "mom rest time" is over. I think a minimum of twenty minutes is needed, possibly as much as thirty.  I also think that in our situation an act of submission is needed during that time as well to help you make the shift from the leader to the follower.  Some corner time at the end or time with a butt plug, something to help you make the mental shift.  Are you willing to try that?"


"Good, because I never, and I mean never want to have to spank you like I'm going to spank you now ever again.  Bend over and put your hands on the shelf."

I heard him pull his belt loose, and he struck my bottom and the back of my thighs repeatedly. I sobbed, I kept popping up, and I said I was sorry.  I was almost to the point of using my safe word when he stopped and picked up the board he used to spank me a while back.

"Nooooo, please don't!"  

"I want this to stick this time.  We are going to do five, and I want you to say 'I will take time to let go of my stress'. Do you understand?"


Those were the five most painful swats I have ever had in my entire life.  Steve helped me redress, used a clean shop towel to wipe off my face, and we went back out to the swing.  I laid curled up on my side with my head on his lap because I couldn't sit.  He ordered pizza on his cell, and we walked back to the house.  He made me go lie in bed until the pizza came and then we ate dinner and played a board game with the kids.  When the kids went to bed, he made me go too. He joined me so that he could snuggle and comfort me until I went to sleep.

Needless to say I have a few marks on my behind today, but I feel light as a feather.  

As soon as I got home today I went straight to our room.  There was a note on the pillow that said "Relax in whatever manner you feel will work for you, but before you come out I want you to take off your work clothes, put on something comfortable and spend five full minutes in the corner.  I love you more than you can possibly imagine."    

I followed my beloved HoH's instructions to the letter, and I enjoyed one the most relaxing and wonderful evenings with my family that I have had for a long time.

I apologize for the length of this post, but it was such a milestone event that I needed to record it thoroughly for myself.


  1. JW, What's apparent is how Steve's working hard to take care of you and your family. The transitional time sounds like a really good idea. I hope it continues to help! Sara

  2. I think it is my Dragons quiet patience that shames me more than anything else. DD brings so many positive changes to a relationship. Setting aside time for you to unwind after work is a great idea. I hope it works out for both of you.

  3. I'm sorry you got spanked, but it seems very clear that Steve lIves you and knows just what you need. My favorite way to be with J is curled up on my side with my head in his lap. That in itself always feels so submissive, so safe. Glad Steve is taking initiative to help you relax and transition after work!

  4. That should say

    *that Steve LOVES you .. Not lIves lol

  5. You have a great HOH...he seems very wise. You definitely need some transition time...even a walk around the block. I'm sorry it was such a painful event (physically and emotionally), but you both worked through it together...that's what is important. Hope it works well for you.

  6. He is a very smart, loving HOH. We all have bad days, and I am glad you came to a routine that will help with them :)

  7. Wow! This is an amazing post. You felt safe enough to express how you felt, and he was strong and wise enough to deal with it in the manner you needed. I really like reading this. Thanks for sharing, JW.

  8. Oh! I know that was rough to go through. I love.his rest time idea for you. He's right. If you get too far in to verbal abuse, you will live in regret. You are so blessed with the family you have. Some just don't have that. Don't just say you love them everyday, show them...everyday. Remember who God wants you to be. Also remember that saying your sorry means never repeating the offense.

    I'm glad you are feeling lighter.

    Take care doll.

  9. That was very smart to give you something to decompress every day and to get into a submissive mood. I predict it will be hard for you to continue this over time, but you need to make it stick. He's clearly thinking creatively about what needs to happen to make this work.

    I think the length of this post was exactly right. You told us the whole story, which has to be one of the hardest things to do.

  10. Rich - I'm glad you thought it was just right. I agree that it will be hard over time, but it has proven to be very helpful this week. We have been working out a distinct routine so that he doesn't have to give me instructions on a daily basis. We have also been working on strategies for when we don't get to go straight home, but have other places to be. Fortunately I am not stressed out to the point I was on Tuesday every day. Some days are just really bad and others are a build up over several days. We are hoping that trying to maintain this the majority of the time will help me overall. Steve is particularly concerned about my overall health being compromised by the stress. The angry meltdowns aren't something that I do all the time, usually it was happening about once a month. Recently though it was occurring more frequently (the last two were only a week apart). That was why Steve decided to deal with it aggressively and come up with a plan to prevent it as much as possible. As always your suggestions are most welcome. :)

  11. Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. It really helps.

  12. thank you so much for sharing, you have a wonderful HOH and he knows just how to take care of you and just what you need. Its really cool to read about. Im looking forward to reading more from you xx

  13. He is doing a great job of figuring out your needs. I'm sorry it had to be so hard but they mean business and have to show us that at times. It's so good that your man, like mine, does not just punish but thinks about how to change the circumstances that caused you to melt down.

  14. I love this post! I can totally relate to the outbursts and to thinking that when WE do things, things go right. I frequently make this mistake when I am upset even though I know it isn't true. I love that he loves you and the children enough to give you time to decompress before rejoining the family. My husband does this as well when he sees I am going to lose it and I love him for it. You are a blessed woman!

  15. I agree that I am blessed with a great HoH!