a shameful moment

As embarrassing as my last post was, this one is shameful. Sorry, there is no humor to this one. It was a dark moment for me. I got my rear end tore up yesterday, and I totally deserved it.  

My stress levels just stay incredibly high these days, and I was really on edge when I got home yesterday. I felt like I was going to pop out of my skin.  I immediately lit into my children when I walked through the door because they had not done their chores.  

Steve, who had come home about fifteen minutes before me, immediately intervened.  "Julia, that's my job, and I will handle it.  Go in our room and rest for a bit."    

"I don't need you to handle it! I'm perfectly capable of handling it.  The children always did their chores when I was in charge!" [Yes, I was yelling.]

Does anyone have deja vu?  I should have.  Steve and I just played out this almost same exact scene a little over a week ago.  How come I didn't remember the outcome of that?

"Kids, I need you to go in your rooms right now, and don't leave it until I tell you to."    [calm, but with steel in it]

As soon as the kids were out of sight, he grabbed me by the arm and practically dragged me out the door.

"Let me go right now!" [I'm pretty much screaming at this point.]

"I don't think so."

"Noooo, I am not going back over to the office!!!!"

"Fine, we'll go this way!"

He swung me around and started heading to the back of the property... straight for the shed.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"  I dug my heels in as best I could.

"Julia, you are going to start cooperating right now, or so help me G-d I, I... I don't know what I'm going to do."     

Steve let go of my arm and stood looking incredibly sad in the middle of our yard.  I stood there on the verge of tears.  I was so overwrought at this point.

"Julia, I don't want to spank you against your will, but at the same time I don't want this behavior to carry on.  I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and that you put me there. You desperately need a spanking.  You are going to sit on the porch swing in front of the shed.  When you are ready to submit to the spanking, you come get me.  I'm going back inside to decide what we're having for dinner.  Do not come back into the house until you've got it together!"

"You're trying to tell me that I can't come into the house that I f*&%$ng pay for?  F&%$ you!!!"  

I tried to storm back to the house.  Steve picked me up and while I was kicking, cussing, and hitting him, he carried me to the shed.  He sat us both down on the swing with him keeping an iron grip on me.

He held me until I stopped my temper tantrum. I started crying, and I didn't think I was ever going to stop.  Steve rubbed my back for what seemed like an eternity.  

When the sobs slowed down to shuttered breathing, Steve leaned in and said, "Feeling better?"   I nodded.

"Let's go in the shed."    

This time I followed him in.  

"Strip."     I started crying softly and took off all of my clothes.

"Do you understand why I pulled you out of the house?"     

"Yes."

"Do you understand why I didn't want you to go back in?"  

"Yes."

"Do you understand how much you hurt me just now?"   

"Yesssssss. I'mmm sorrrrrrry!!!"  I was wailing at this point.

"I'm a grown man, I love you, and I'll get over it.  The children are a different story. I know that you are incredibly stressed right now. I do not want you to look back and realize that you have taken it out on your children. You are coming dangerously close to being flat out verbally abusive. I would even venture that you are being verbally abusive to me.  I know you don't want that."
  
"No.....I..... don't." [Lots of sobbing and sniffling in between] 

"I've been thinking about this and I think part of the problem is that most people have some type of commute between work and home that gives them time to decompress.  You just have to walk across the street.  With the level of stress you have you need more than that.  From now on I want you to walk straight to our bedroom as soon as you get home and for you to lie down, or do some deep breathing, or do some yoga stances.  I'm going to instruct the children that they are not to disturb you, but are to come to me if they need something until "mom rest time" is over. I think a minimum of twenty minutes is needed, possibly as much as thirty.  I also think that in our situation an act of submission is needed during that time as well to help you make the shift from the leader to the follower.  Some corner time at the end or time with a butt plug, something to help you make the mental shift.  Are you willing to try that?"

"Yes."

"Good, because I never, and I mean never want to have to spank you like I'm going to spank you now ever again.  Bend over and put your hands on the shelf."

I heard him pull his belt loose, and he struck my bottom and the back of my thighs repeatedly. I sobbed, I kept popping up, and I said I was sorry.  I was almost to the point of using my safe word when he stopped and picked up the board he used to spank me a while back.

"Nooooo, please don't!"  

"I want this to stick this time.  We are going to do five, and I want you to say 'I will take time to let go of my stress'. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

Those were the five most painful swats I have ever had in my entire life.  Steve helped me redress, used a clean shop towel to wipe off my face, and we went back out to the swing.  I laid curled up on my side with my head on his lap because I couldn't sit.  He ordered pizza on his cell, and we walked back to the house.  He made me go lie in bed until the pizza came and then we ate dinner and played a board game with the kids.  When the kids went to bed, he made me go too. He joined me so that he could snuggle and comfort me until I went to sleep.

Needless to say I have a few marks on my behind today, but I feel light as a feather.  

As soon as I got home today I went straight to our room.  There was a note on the pillow that said "Relax in whatever manner you feel will work for you, but before you come out I want you to take off your work clothes, put on something comfortable and spend five full minutes in the corner.  I love you more than you can possibly imagine."    

I followed my beloved HoH's instructions to the letter, and I enjoyed one the most relaxing and wonderful evenings with my family that I have had for a long time.


I apologize for the length of this post, but it was such a milestone event that I needed to record it thoroughly for myself.

not our fantasy

"Are you sure that you want me to blog about this?"  

"Why not?  It is gross and kind of funny.  It just goes to show that in real life things don't always go the way you fantasize, and that's okay."

"I would just as soon forget it myself." 

"It is a part of our story. Besides I promise one day we will look back on it and laugh our heads off."

"The look on your face was comical."

"That's the spirit!"


So I blame the following story on Audra (The Gift of Submission).  She recently wrote a post about butt plugs.  As far as I know Steve didn't read it, but she is still responsible for putting the butt plug vibe out to the universe!  :) Anyway here's what happened (I apologize now for grossing you out!) ... 

six hours earlier....

Steve comes up behind me while I'm in the kitchen this afternoon and whispers in my ear, "My parents are coming to pick up the troop in a little bit to take them to a movie and then to dinner. We are going to have the house to ourselves, so I intend to have some fun with you."

"Hmmm, what if I told you I already had a plan for what I was doing this afternoon?"

"Too bad.  This is a rare opportunity, and I'm going to take advantage of it.  Go on to the bedroom and strip.  I'll make sure the kids get on their way.  Oh, and to make sure you are in the right frame of mind, put in one of the butt plugs while you wait for me." 

I stood there gawking at him. It has been about a month since he last had me use a butt plug.

"Stop staring at me like a deer in headlights!  You heard me, go do it or there will be more than maintenance in your future!  

I scurried off to the bedroom and did what he asked.  It was very disconcerting to hear his parents in the house while I'm lying naked on the bed with a butt plug in my bottom. 

I died a little death when I heard his mom ask, "Where's Julia?"  

"She's lying down in the bedroom. She has a headache," my husband the liar said. 

"Poor dear! Tell her I hope she fills better soon."

"Don't worry, I'm giving her some medicine as soon as you guys head out."   OMG! I can't believe he said that!

I heard the front door close and shivers of anticipation went down my spine.

"Put some pillows under your hips.  We're going to start by taking care of maintenance." 

Let me just say that this part of the afternoon was perfect.  He started with the wooden spoon, then moved on to the ping pong paddle, and finished with the strap.  The strapping was great. He probably gave me about a hundred swats.  They landed nice and even on both cheeks with a lot of sting. My bottom was nice and hot when he was done.

He proceeded to flip me over and went down on me.  The arousal was so intense I felt light-headed.  After a little bit he flipped himself around so that I could pleasure him at the same time.  We were both so in to it and having a great time, when the unexpected happened...

Steve touched my side in such a way that it was very ticklish, and I reacted by laughing out loud.  Before I had any control of what was happening, out flew the butt plug along with ....umm....other stuff right in Steve's face!

I flew upright with a "Holy crap!" (Bad choice of words I know!)  Now Steve looked like the deer in headlights.  He was clearly stunned.  I ran like a mad woman to get a towel to wipe him off and get the sheets off the bed.  I started babbling, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" over and over again.  

When Steve came out of the bathroom from washing his face and hair, he grabbed me and pulled me close and said, "Will you please stop saying you're sorry!  It's not your fault.  It was an accident.  I didn't mean to tickle you, if it's anyone's fault it is mine."

I broke down sobbing at that point.  "That was so humiliating!"  

"Stop it right now! It is okay.  It's not your fault and you have nothing to be embarrassed about!  Besides [he put a wicked grin on his face] now we know that is one fettish we will never be into!"

I slapped him and hugged him and even managed a smile at that point.

"Why don't we get back in bed and carry on." 

"I'm so not in the mood now."

"Well, I'll fix that." 

He did and it was a great afternoon.  If I could just blot out that incident it would have been a fantasy afternoon. 

Alas, real life has a way altering fantasy fast.  So the next time one of your romantic interludes doesn't go the way you expect, just remember poor Steve and me.  It might make your evening not seem so bad!  ;)

separation of purpose

I love to be spanked. I love it a lot. I am willing to admit that. 

I am usually aroused any time I am spanked.  Sometimes during punishment I am not, but usually it springs to life as soon as Steve is done.

Many people keep it in tidy little cubbies neatly separated. It just isn't for me.  It was my interest in spanking that led me to domestic discipline to begin with.  In terms of sexual interest and emotional output, it is one messy ball of tangled up yarn for Steve and me.

That being said, there is separation of purpose.  I didn't have to have a domestic discipline relationship with my husband in order to be spanked.  I am 100% certain that I could have just told Steve, "Babe, I want you to spank me."  Steve is obsessed enough with my bottom that he would have jumped on that easily enough. We could have easily stayed in the sexual play arena. There's only one problem with that.  Only my needs would have been met.

As I researched domestic discipline in its various forms, I realized that bringing this to our marriage would benefit both of us.  It would provide Steve a window of opportunity for growth that he has never had, and for me it would be a respid from the pressures of leadership. There were clear and defined intellectual reasons for participating in a dd lifestyle.

For us, though, the separation of purposes doesn't matter when it comes to living it. 

Steve spanks me because we both enjoy the sexual arousal that results. 

Steve spanks me because the endorphin release is a great stress reliever for me.

Steve spanks me because sometimes I need to know that he's in charge.

Steve spanks me because I need to be reminded of what my best self should be.

It is all messy and undefined, but ultimately it is not the intellectual reasons why that matters to us.

What matters  is what are we getting out of it all... a great marriage that is now supercharged with more intimacy and communication! 

the reason why

It took a lot of reflection, but I believe I know what I was feeling Thursday night and why I was feeling that way.

The emotion I was experiencing was loneliness.  That isn't an emotion I've had during a spanking before, and it took me a while to process it.

Almost always when Steve is spanking me we are connected in some way.  Usually I am over his lap or knee.  Even when I am kneeling in the stuffed chair or laying over the bed, he has his hand on me or touches me frequently.

When he had me stand and was spanking me with the paddle there was no contact between us, only the pain of the strokes.  That was when I had an intense moment of loneliness. It took a lengthy snuggling session and two bouts of love-making to eradicate it, but I feel reconnected to Steve now.

There was nothing wrong with the punishment.  I still feel that Steve handled it exactly the way he should have. At least now I will be able to identify the emotion sooner and better express my feelings and needs to Steve.

By the way, Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.

a different animal

I was promised playtime on Wednesday night, and it was great.  I received a lengthy maintenance session with his hand and the small strap.  This segued into a massage and some awesome lovemaking.  All in all, it was worth waiting an extra day for. 

Thursday was a different animal altogether.  I ended up having a very stressful day, and I let it get the better of me.  The low point came after dinner when I was upset over something Steve and I were discussing.  The dog ended up right behind me and when I went to turn around I almost tripped over him.  That's when it happened. 

"G-d d#$% it, you stupid dog!"  [yelling]

"Julia, the kids are in the family room, they can hear you."  [soft-spoken]

"I'm sorry, but the dog just about killed me! [still yelling and exaggerating]

"I know that it has been a stressful day for you.  Go into our bedroom and try to relax for a little bit." [still soft-spoken and was rubbing my arm]

Now if I had just done what he said that would be the end of this story, but I didn't have the sense to come in out of the rain at that point.

"Don't tell me what to do!" [voice raised but not yelling, and I jerked away my arm]

Steve's demeanor changed in an instant. He leaned against me so that I was caught between him and the kitchen island.  He put his mouth to my ear and between clenched teeth I heard, "You had better get yourself in that room right now, because the kids do not deserve to see or hear you acting like this.  Keep it up and I swear I will give you a spanking like you've never had before."

"Yeah, right!"

"JULIA! Right now!"

"Whatever."  I stormed off to our bedroom.

Prior to dd, Steve would have said something but then walked away, and my family would have been walking on egg shells until the storm had past.

I ended up falling asleep, and Steve came in a couple of hours later and woke me up.

"The troop is getting ready for bed.  I want you to help me tuck them in.  Then you are going to get the wooden spoon, the short cane, and the lexan paddle and go over to the office."

I was so irritated, but then I walked into my youngest child's bedroom.  My sweet boy popped up and gave me a big hug and kiss. In that moment, I was so grateful that Steve had stopped me from my tyrade.  I tucked the others in and headed over to the office.

"Take off everything and go stand in the corner." 

He came up behind me after several minutes and started talking in my ear. 

"I've told you before that I don't care if you unload on me. That is what I'm here for, but I'm not going to allow it in front of the children. Do you understand?"  I nodded and started crying.

"It is also clear that I am doing an insufficient job with punishment, because you are not taking me seriously.  I intend to fix that. Keep standing in the corner until I call for you.  I want you to think about what's going to happen and why."

My stomach was in knots, and I was relieved when he finally called me over.  He put me over his knee and spanked me with his hand, the spoon, the paddle, and then the cane.  When he let me up my bottom was stinging from the paddle and I had some welts from the cane. 

"Stand up and stay facing me." 

I was so embarrassed.  I was shifting from foot to foot. I couldn't look him in the eye.  

"Look at me."  I did, but I couldn't maintain it very long.  "I'm sorry, but I don't think we are done yet. We're going to do something different.  Turn sideways and stay still."  

He began swatting me with the lexan paddle again. He gave me ten hard strokes.  It really hurt, and I started crying.  

"Go stand in the corner."   I stayed in the corner until I stopped crying.

"Same position."  He gave me ten more, and I started crying again.

"Turn and face me.  I hope I got through to you with this spanking.  I don't want to have to do this very often."

I simply don't have the words to express how I was feeling at that moment.  I've never experienced that emotion/or series of emotions before.  After standing in front of him for a little bit, he reached out for my hand and asked if I wanted to sit on his lap now.  I practically jumped in his lap.

I stayed in his lap for a long time.  I cried and kissed his neck.  He rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head.  We didn't have sex (that is a first).  He helped me redress, and we went home and got in bed.  He snuggled with me until I fell asleep.

When we woke this morning, he made love to me in the most tender way I think he ever has.  

What's particularly hard is that I had to leave to go out-of-town overnight, so I am writing this post in my hotel room.  I would much rather be in his reassuring arms right now.  

I miss him something fierce despite the fact that my bottom is still sore.  Or maybe I miss him because it is still sore. I'm not sure which. 

Thank God I'll only be away for a day.   

the anti-date night

Marriage is not the death of great sex.   Video games are!

Steve surprised me last night by arranging for us to have a date night.  It had been a while, and we were definitely overdue.

We had a great time eating out and seeing a movie.  Tame I know, but those are two things we just love to do together.  

If you have read either of my previous posts about date nights, you know this is normally followed by spanking and really great sex.  

That didn't happen last night.   Why you ask?  

Right as we were pulling into our driveway, Steve gets a text from one of his gaming buddies that he hadn't seen or heard from in a while.

"Who's texting you this late at night?"  "John.  He and a couple of the other guys were wanting to play some Black Ops tonight, and he wanted to know if I wanted to join them. Don't worry, I'm telling him I'm on a date with my wife."

After being married to Steve for fifteen years, I recognized the wistfulness in his voice.

"It's okay babe.  I know with his schedule you guys don't get to link up much anymore.  I won't be upset if you want to play.  I've enjoyed our date, but I'm pretty tired."

"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yep, I'm sure."

"I love you. [grin]"

"I know. [grin]"

Fast forward to today.

"Are you well-rested?"     "Yeh, why?"

"I intend to play with you tonight."     "You do?  What if John calls you tonight?"

"I'm going to tell him that my wife has some features that my X-Box doesn't, and I fully intend to explore them tonight."     "Well if you play well enough, I might give you access to the bonus features."  "Deal!"

I intend to work him hard tonight.  His reserve copy of the new Duke Nukem is going to be released soon.  I'll be a gaming widow for at least a week, if not two.

Yep, video games.... the nemesis of great sex everywhere! 

sex, spanking, and marriage

There has been a lot of discussion in the blogs lately about sex and spanking and how much they are interrelated.


When Steve and I first began this journey, I had no idea how all the elements of sex, spanking, and marriage would fit together.  I had expected puzzle pieces that would fit together neatly, but in reality, for us at least, it is like a tightly inter-woven tapestry.  

Love, trust, commitment, pain, sexual excitement, submission, partnership, dominance, and intimacy in a multicolored display that makes it difficult to know when one ends and another begins.  It defies the capacity of logic.  

At the beginning of the journey I believed that if sex and spanking were to be intermixed, it would occur with play spanking and maintenance spanking.  We were surprised that as this has developed, we were finding that it is during and after punishment spankings that we are most sexually in tune with one another.  We feel an intense connection.  For us, I think that punishment spankings have become the moment when all the elements I mentioned above converge.  

Does that mean I want punishment spankings all the time?  No, only when I've earned it.  That I believe is part of the magic.  Those moments are what brings special elements of color to our marriage tapestry.  Too much and the colors would become garish and overwhelming, too little and it would be drab and boring. I think Steve and I have been weaving a beautiful tapestry for the last fifteen years and these extra bits of color that we have added recently have made it priceless. 

It is unfortunate as a society that we have so devalued and cheapened the elements of sex, intimacy, and marriage.  We compartmentalize sex from marriage and even send constant media messages that say that marriage is the death of fulfilling sex and intimacy.  

I genuinely grieve for those that do not get to experience marriage in its full glory, and I think those of us who are in great marriages have a responsibility to express just how wonderful marriage really is.  Is marriage easy?  Absolutely not! It is, however, the most beautiful relationship when it is nurtured and treasured.

It is my prayer this evening for everyone out there that if you are married, or at some point in the future choose marriage, that you will be able to look at it and see beautiful artistry in the tapestries that you are creating.   

what would you do?

Here are the facts:

1.  I criticized my husband on my blog Monday night for not putting enough effort into our dd relationship.  Steve read that post and promptly turned my bottom red.

2.  Steve, with renewed vigor, had spanked me Tuesday night (maintenance) and Wednesday night (punishment for yelling).  We were clearly back on track.

3.  Steve and I decided to do some much needed work around the house and yard on Thursday. We had the house and grounds to ourselves all day.

4.  For the past month, my husband has been eyeing every-day items constantly for spanking potential.

5.  Steve was going in and out of the tool shed getting stuff we needed while we were debating which household projects should get priority.

Now given these facts would you have followed your husband into the shed?

I can hear the resounding "Hell, Nos!" being shouted at the screen.

As you have probably guessed, I wasn't that smart and followed Steve right into the shed.

"I want to get the front lawn mowed before we do anything else. We've got company coming this weekend, and I'm afraid if we do these other things first we're going to be too tired and it won't get done."

"I understand why you want the lawn mowed, but I don't think it needs to be done first or even today. I can have [the eldest] do it tomorrow since she won't be working if we don't get it done today." 

"There's a chance of rain tomorrow.  What if she doesn't get it done?"

"She'll do it first thing in the morning before it gets too hot.  It's not supposed to rain until late afternoon."  

"Well, that plan assumes that she will be available tomorrow. I don't like it."

"I know you don't.  Will you do me a favor and grab the attachment for the pressure cleaner from the shelf over there?" 

"Sure."  I hear the shed door close as soon as I am out of the way.  "What did you do that for?"

"We agreed that all matters in our personal lives are under my authority, didn't we?"

"Yes"

"Well, before this turns into a long day of debates, I think you need a reminder about who's in charge.  So turn around and put your hands on the next-to-the-bottom shelf and wait while I find something to spank you with."

"That's not necessary. We can do this in whatever order you want."

"The fact that you just told me that it's not necessary means that it is.  Now bend over like I told you."

Twenty or so seconds went by when I hear him say, "That should be interesting."    I look over my shoulder to see him with a piece of one x six in his hand that was left over from making the shelves.  I immediately popped up.

"Oh, no!  There's no way you're going to swat me with that!"

"You are going to get a spanking tonight for getting out of position.  Right now you have two choices:  five swats with this board over your jean shorts or fifty strokes with my belt on your bare behind. Which will it be?"

"Some choice."  I bend back over.

"Count them out."    I counted them out and pouted that I was pretty sure that was going to bruise.
 
"I didn't swing very hard.  Pull your shorts and panties down and let me take a look."    I complied, and he began rubbing my bottom. "Nope, your iron butt is a light shade of pink. I doubt you're going to get a bruise.  Maybe I should take further action to establish my authority." 

"No really, I promise to follow your le....." I look over my shoulder and see that he has his own shorts pulled down and a wicked grin on his face.  "As you wish."

He took me forcefully from behind, and when he was done we both proceeded to tackle the projects with unusual enthusiasm!

F.Y.I. - The eldest did end up mowing the lawn this morning. Oh, and I did get that spanking for popping up.  I got the fifty strokes of the belt on my bare behind.  Poetic justice. 

don't let him read!

"What are you doing?"    "Posting something on my blog.  I'm finished though."  I tried to put the laptop away.

"May I read it?"    "You want to read it now?"  "Sure!"    Oh, crap! 

"Why the interest?"  "Just curious I guess, particularly after seeing the look on your face.  Do you not want me to?  You told me previously that I could read it whenever I wanted."

Don't let him read it!  "You're right I did.  Here you go."  Oh, crap! 

Tick, tock....tick, tock....tick, tock

"You really feel like I'm purposely trying to find other things to do besides spank you?"    "Yeh, it feels that way to me." 

"I told you that we were going to get back on track."    "I know, but it just seemed like it was starting to get pushed off to the next night and then the next night after that.  I just don't want to go back to before.  I loved what we had established."  "I loved it too." 

"You were kind of harsh in that post, but you're right about one thing, I need to do it already and ordinary maintenance won't cut it.  Gather up all of the implements and head over to the office. Don't take off any clothes until I get there."    Oh, crap!

I was pretty nervous as I sat there waiting for him. It had been almost a month since he had me go to the office.  I knew I was in for a long, hard spanking.

"We have a lot to make up for. We're going to start off with your pants on, and I will handle any disrobing from there.  We'll discuss your behavior while you are over my knee instead of the pre-confession. Get over my lap."   

Thirty-five minutes later I was completely naked, my bottom was fire-engine red from being spanked with every implement we own including a couple of Steve's creative use of things in our office, my face was puffy from crying during corner times, and I felt restored.  

"I've missed you."  "I've missed you to.  I promise I will try harder not to let this slip like this again, but life is going to get in our way sometimes; try not to get so frustrated."    "I'll try."

"You better say something nice about me on your next post."    "I promise I will."

Steve is the best husband in the whole wide world, and I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else. :) 

where's the rhythm?

I'm feeling like Little Bo Peep. We have lost our rhythm and don't know where to find it.  

Somehow the pressures of work and children have consumed us despite our best efforts. Well, maybe "best effort" would be an exaggeration on Steve's part.

More nights than not lately, I'm going to bed frustrated while my husband finds everything else in the world to do besides spank me.  Many mornings I'm waking up to an "I'm sorry, I know you wanted some attention last night, but I was too tired. Don't worry, I'm going to get us back on track."   

He's been one big wind bag lately.  He talks about spanking me, teases me about trying out strange implements, or trying out a different position to put me in, but then..... nothing.

I told him how I felt last night.  "I'm tired of 'I'm sorry'.  If you were really sorry it would have changed.  I'm tired of 'I'm tired'.  Here's a thought... don't stay up until two in the morning watching tv or playing video games and you'd might have the energy to give me some attention.  I'm tired of 'Don't worry'.  I am worried that getting back to the rhythm we had established so well is going to keep being put off until it is all a distant memory. I am worried because I see myself slipping back to where I was before.  I see us slipping back into the previous relationship patterns.  If you don't want me to worry then get us back on track."

Ready for the big reply?  "I know. I'm going to get us back on track."

 I want to yell at him, "Stop telling me that and do it already!" 

Alas, I know this is a common pitfall that many dd couples go through during the course of their relationship, but that doesn't make it any less aggravating.

Anyway, if anyone sees our rhythm, will you please direct it to come back home?  I miss it.

respect that's deserved and respect that's earned

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.  Normally it is a bad thing because I'm usually reflecting on myself and my self-criticism gets ridiculous. 

This time around it has been focused on my relationship with Steve and trying to figure out how to go about getting myself where I want to be with him.  

There is no doubt about it... I love my husband passionately.  I can't imagine being married to anyone else. I can be a real shrew at times, but he has the patience of Job. To some degree that is part of my issue. He can be too patient and too understanding sometimes. I love him, but respecting him is a whole other story.

IMO there are two kinds of respect: the kind you deserve and the kind you earn.  There is a certain amount of respect that every human being deserves. Any decent human being will demonstrate respect for their fellow humankind. Their existence on the planet dictates that.  

Then there are those in our lives where we look at them and know that they have earned that extra measure of respect.  Our value systems dictate how others earn that respect from us.  For example, I know for myself that I value hard work, perseverance, and achievement, so therefore those whom I have a great deal of respect for model those qualities.  

The thing with Steve is that he doesn't have those qualities naturally.  Steve has many attributes that I love such as kindness and considerateness.  Loving isn't the same as respecting though. Hence my reflection and some of my conclusions.

Steve is my husband - a certain amount of respect is deserved because of who he is to me.

Steve is the HoH in our DD relationship - a certain amount of respect is deserved because of that role.
     
I married Steve for who he is and I don't have the right to expect any more growth or change than I expect from myself.  

Maybe I need to examine why I value what I do and realize that other attributes deserve my respect as well. 

It isn't fair for me to make it impossible for him to earn my respect. 


I'm thinking that it may go hand-in-hand.  If I treat him as if he has earned my respect and not just the respect that he deserves, then the actions to earn it will follow, and I will learn the benefit of valuing all the positive attributes that Steve (and others for that matter) have to offer.  


Sometimes the change that is needed is yourself.