a different animal

I was promised playtime on Wednesday night, and it was great.  I received a lengthy maintenance session with his hand and the small strap.  This segued into a massage and some awesome lovemaking.  All in all, it was worth waiting an extra day for. 

Thursday was a different animal altogether.  I ended up having a very stressful day, and I let it get the better of me.  The low point came after dinner when I was upset over something Steve and I were discussing.  The dog ended up right behind me and when I went to turn around I almost tripped over him.  That's when it happened. 

"G-d d#$% it, you stupid dog!"  [yelling]

"Julia, the kids are in the family room, they can hear you."  [soft-spoken]

"I'm sorry, but the dog just about killed me! [still yelling and exaggerating]

"I know that it has been a stressful day for you.  Go into our bedroom and try to relax for a little bit." [still soft-spoken and was rubbing my arm]

Now if I had just done what he said that would be the end of this story, but I didn't have the sense to come in out of the rain at that point.

"Don't tell me what to do!" [voice raised but not yelling, and I jerked away my arm]

Steve's demeanor changed in an instant. He leaned against me so that I was caught between him and the kitchen island.  He put his mouth to my ear and between clenched teeth I heard, "You had better get yourself in that room right now, because the kids do not deserve to see or hear you acting like this.  Keep it up and I swear I will give you a spanking like you've never had before."

"Yeah, right!"

"JULIA! Right now!"

"Whatever."  I stormed off to our bedroom.

Prior to dd, Steve would have said something but then walked away, and my family would have been walking on egg shells until the storm had past.

I ended up falling asleep, and Steve came in a couple of hours later and woke me up.

"The troop is getting ready for bed.  I want you to help me tuck them in.  Then you are going to get the wooden spoon, the short cane, and the lexan paddle and go over to the office."

I was so irritated, but then I walked into my youngest child's bedroom.  My sweet boy popped up and gave me a big hug and kiss. In that moment, I was so grateful that Steve had stopped me from my tyrade.  I tucked the others in and headed over to the office.

"Take off everything and go stand in the corner." 

He came up behind me after several minutes and started talking in my ear. 

"I've told you before that I don't care if you unload on me. That is what I'm here for, but I'm not going to allow it in front of the children. Do you understand?"  I nodded and started crying.

"It is also clear that I am doing an insufficient job with punishment, because you are not taking me seriously.  I intend to fix that. Keep standing in the corner until I call for you.  I want you to think about what's going to happen and why."

My stomach was in knots, and I was relieved when he finally called me over.  He put me over his knee and spanked me with his hand, the spoon, the paddle, and then the cane.  When he let me up my bottom was stinging from the paddle and I had some welts from the cane. 

"Stand up and stay facing me." 

I was so embarrassed.  I was shifting from foot to foot. I couldn't look him in the eye.  

"Look at me."  I did, but I couldn't maintain it very long.  "I'm sorry, but I don't think we are done yet. We're going to do something different.  Turn sideways and stay still."  

He began swatting me with the lexan paddle again. He gave me ten hard strokes.  It really hurt, and I started crying.  

"Go stand in the corner."   I stayed in the corner until I stopped crying.

"Same position."  He gave me ten more, and I started crying again.

"Turn and face me.  I hope I got through to you with this spanking.  I don't want to have to do this very often."

I simply don't have the words to express how I was feeling at that moment.  I've never experienced that emotion/or series of emotions before.  After standing in front of him for a little bit, he reached out for my hand and asked if I wanted to sit on his lap now.  I practically jumped in his lap.

I stayed in his lap for a long time.  I cried and kissed his neck.  He rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head.  We didn't have sex (that is a first).  He helped me redress, and we went home and got in bed.  He snuggled with me until I fell asleep.

When we woke this morning, he made love to me in the most tender way I think he ever has.  

What's particularly hard is that I had to leave to go out-of-town overnight, so I am writing this post in my hotel room.  I would much rather be in his reassuring arms right now.  

I miss him something fierce despite the fact that my bottom is still sore.  Or maybe I miss him because it is still sore. I'm not sure which. 

Thank God I'll only be away for a day.   

the anti-date night

Marriage is not the death of great sex.   Video games are!

Steve surprised me last night by arranging for us to have a date night.  It had been a while, and we were definitely overdue.

We had a great time eating out and seeing a movie.  Tame I know, but those are two things we just love to do together.  

If you have read either of my previous posts about date nights, you know this is normally followed by spanking and really great sex.  

That didn't happen last night.   Why you ask?  

Right as we were pulling into our driveway, Steve gets a text from one of his gaming buddies that he hadn't seen or heard from in a while.

"Who's texting you this late at night?"  "John.  He and a couple of the other guys were wanting to play some Black Ops tonight, and he wanted to know if I wanted to join them. Don't worry, I'm telling him I'm on a date with my wife."

After being married to Steve for fifteen years, I recognized the wistfulness in his voice.

"It's okay babe.  I know with his schedule you guys don't get to link up much anymore.  I won't be upset if you want to play.  I've enjoyed our date, but I'm pretty tired."

"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yep, I'm sure."

"I love you. [grin]"

"I know. [grin]"

Fast forward to today.

"Are you well-rested?"     "Yeh, why?"

"I intend to play with you tonight."     "You do?  What if John calls you tonight?"

"I'm going to tell him that my wife has some features that my X-Box doesn't, and I fully intend to explore them tonight."     "Well if you play well enough, I might give you access to the bonus features."  "Deal!"

I intend to work him hard tonight.  His reserve copy of the new Duke Nukem is going to be released soon.  I'll be a gaming widow for at least a week, if not two.

Yep, video games.... the nemesis of great sex everywhere! 

sex, spanking, and marriage

There has been a lot of discussion in the blogs lately about sex and spanking and how much they are interrelated.


When Steve and I first began this journey, I had no idea how all the elements of sex, spanking, and marriage would fit together.  I had expected puzzle pieces that would fit together neatly, but in reality, for us at least, it is like a tightly inter-woven tapestry.  

Love, trust, commitment, pain, sexual excitement, submission, partnership, dominance, and intimacy in a multicolored display that makes it difficult to know when one ends and another begins.  It defies the capacity of logic.  

At the beginning of the journey I believed that if sex and spanking were to be intermixed, it would occur with play spanking and maintenance spanking.  We were surprised that as this has developed, we were finding that it is during and after punishment spankings that we are most sexually in tune with one another.  We feel an intense connection.  For us, I think that punishment spankings have become the moment when all the elements I mentioned above converge.  

Does that mean I want punishment spankings all the time?  No, only when I've earned it.  That I believe is part of the magic.  Those moments are what brings special elements of color to our marriage tapestry.  Too much and the colors would become garish and overwhelming, too little and it would be drab and boring. I think Steve and I have been weaving a beautiful tapestry for the last fifteen years and these extra bits of color that we have added recently have made it priceless. 

It is unfortunate as a society that we have so devalued and cheapened the elements of sex, intimacy, and marriage.  We compartmentalize sex from marriage and even send constant media messages that say that marriage is the death of fulfilling sex and intimacy.  

I genuinely grieve for those that do not get to experience marriage in its full glory, and I think those of us who are in great marriages have a responsibility to express just how wonderful marriage really is.  Is marriage easy?  Absolutely not! It is, however, the most beautiful relationship when it is nurtured and treasured.

It is my prayer this evening for everyone out there that if you are married, or at some point in the future choose marriage, that you will be able to look at it and see beautiful artistry in the tapestries that you are creating.   

what would you do?

Here are the facts:

1.  I criticized my husband on my blog Monday night for not putting enough effort into our dd relationship.  Steve read that post and promptly turned my bottom red.

2.  Steve, with renewed vigor, had spanked me Tuesday night (maintenance) and Wednesday night (punishment for yelling).  We were clearly back on track.

3.  Steve and I decided to do some much needed work around the house and yard on Thursday. We had the house and grounds to ourselves all day.

4.  For the past month, my husband has been eyeing every-day items constantly for spanking potential.

5.  Steve was going in and out of the tool shed getting stuff we needed while we were debating which household projects should get priority.

Now given these facts would you have followed your husband into the shed?

I can hear the resounding "Hell, Nos!" being shouted at the screen.

As you have probably guessed, I wasn't that smart and followed Steve right into the shed.

"I want to get the front lawn mowed before we do anything else. We've got company coming this weekend, and I'm afraid if we do these other things first we're going to be too tired and it won't get done."

"I understand why you want the lawn mowed, but I don't think it needs to be done first or even today. I can have [the eldest] do it tomorrow since she won't be working if we don't get it done today." 

"There's a chance of rain tomorrow.  What if she doesn't get it done?"

"She'll do it first thing in the morning before it gets too hot.  It's not supposed to rain until late afternoon."  

"Well, that plan assumes that she will be available tomorrow. I don't like it."

"I know you don't.  Will you do me a favor and grab the attachment for the pressure cleaner from the shelf over there?" 

"Sure."  I hear the shed door close as soon as I am out of the way.  "What did you do that for?"

"We agreed that all matters in our personal lives are under my authority, didn't we?"

"Yes"

"Well, before this turns into a long day of debates, I think you need a reminder about who's in charge.  So turn around and put your hands on the next-to-the-bottom shelf and wait while I find something to spank you with."

"That's not necessary. We can do this in whatever order you want."

"The fact that you just told me that it's not necessary means that it is.  Now bend over like I told you."

Twenty or so seconds went by when I hear him say, "That should be interesting."    I look over my shoulder to see him with a piece of one x six in his hand that was left over from making the shelves.  I immediately popped up.

"Oh, no!  There's no way you're going to swat me with that!"

"You are going to get a spanking tonight for getting out of position.  Right now you have two choices:  five swats with this board over your jean shorts or fifty strokes with my belt on your bare behind. Which will it be?"

"Some choice."  I bend back over.

"Count them out."    I counted them out and pouted that I was pretty sure that was going to bruise.
 
"I didn't swing very hard.  Pull your shorts and panties down and let me take a look."    I complied, and he began rubbing my bottom. "Nope, your iron butt is a light shade of pink. I doubt you're going to get a bruise.  Maybe I should take further action to establish my authority." 

"No really, I promise to follow your le....." I look over my shoulder and see that he has his own shorts pulled down and a wicked grin on his face.  "As you wish."

He took me forcefully from behind, and when he was done we both proceeded to tackle the projects with unusual enthusiasm!

F.Y.I. - The eldest did end up mowing the lawn this morning. Oh, and I did get that spanking for popping up.  I got the fifty strokes of the belt on my bare behind.  Poetic justice. 

don't let him read!

"What are you doing?"    "Posting something on my blog.  I'm finished though."  I tried to put the laptop away.

"May I read it?"    "You want to read it now?"  "Sure!"    Oh, crap! 

"Why the interest?"  "Just curious I guess, particularly after seeing the look on your face.  Do you not want me to?  You told me previously that I could read it whenever I wanted."

Don't let him read it!  "You're right I did.  Here you go."  Oh, crap! 

Tick, tock....tick, tock....tick, tock

"You really feel like I'm purposely trying to find other things to do besides spank you?"    "Yeh, it feels that way to me." 

"I told you that we were going to get back on track."    "I know, but it just seemed like it was starting to get pushed off to the next night and then the next night after that.  I just don't want to go back to before.  I loved what we had established."  "I loved it too." 

"You were kind of harsh in that post, but you're right about one thing, I need to do it already and ordinary maintenance won't cut it.  Gather up all of the implements and head over to the office. Don't take off any clothes until I get there."    Oh, crap!

I was pretty nervous as I sat there waiting for him. It had been almost a month since he had me go to the office.  I knew I was in for a long, hard spanking.

"We have a lot to make up for. We're going to start off with your pants on, and I will handle any disrobing from there.  We'll discuss your behavior while you are over my knee instead of the pre-confession. Get over my lap."   

Thirty-five minutes later I was completely naked, my bottom was fire-engine red from being spanked with every implement we own including a couple of Steve's creative use of things in our office, my face was puffy from crying during corner times, and I felt restored.  

"I've missed you."  "I've missed you to.  I promise I will try harder not to let this slip like this again, but life is going to get in our way sometimes; try not to get so frustrated."    "I'll try."

"You better say something nice about me on your next post."    "I promise I will."

Steve is the best husband in the whole wide world, and I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else. :) 

where's the rhythm?

I'm feeling like Little Bo Peep. We have lost our rhythm and don't know where to find it.  

Somehow the pressures of work and children have consumed us despite our best efforts. Well, maybe "best effort" would be an exaggeration on Steve's part.

More nights than not lately, I'm going to bed frustrated while my husband finds everything else in the world to do besides spank me.  Many mornings I'm waking up to an "I'm sorry, I know you wanted some attention last night, but I was too tired. Don't worry, I'm going to get us back on track."   

He's been one big wind bag lately.  He talks about spanking me, teases me about trying out strange implements, or trying out a different position to put me in, but then..... nothing.

I told him how I felt last night.  "I'm tired of 'I'm sorry'.  If you were really sorry it would have changed.  I'm tired of 'I'm tired'.  Here's a thought... don't stay up until two in the morning watching tv or playing video games and you'd might have the energy to give me some attention.  I'm tired of 'Don't worry'.  I am worried that getting back to the rhythm we had established so well is going to keep being put off until it is all a distant memory. I am worried because I see myself slipping back to where I was before.  I see us slipping back into the previous relationship patterns.  If you don't want me to worry then get us back on track."

Ready for the big reply?  "I know. I'm going to get us back on track."

 I want to yell at him, "Stop telling me that and do it already!" 

Alas, I know this is a common pitfall that many dd couples go through during the course of their relationship, but that doesn't make it any less aggravating.

Anyway, if anyone sees our rhythm, will you please direct it to come back home?  I miss it.

respect that's deserved and respect that's earned

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.  Normally it is a bad thing because I'm usually reflecting on myself and my self-criticism gets ridiculous. 

This time around it has been focused on my relationship with Steve and trying to figure out how to go about getting myself where I want to be with him.  

There is no doubt about it... I love my husband passionately.  I can't imagine being married to anyone else. I can be a real shrew at times, but he has the patience of Job. To some degree that is part of my issue. He can be too patient and too understanding sometimes. I love him, but respecting him is a whole other story.

IMO there are two kinds of respect: the kind you deserve and the kind you earn.  There is a certain amount of respect that every human being deserves. Any decent human being will demonstrate respect for their fellow humankind. Their existence on the planet dictates that.  

Then there are those in our lives where we look at them and know that they have earned that extra measure of respect.  Our value systems dictate how others earn that respect from us.  For example, I know for myself that I value hard work, perseverance, and achievement, so therefore those whom I have a great deal of respect for model those qualities.  

The thing with Steve is that he doesn't have those qualities naturally.  Steve has many attributes that I love such as kindness and considerateness.  Loving isn't the same as respecting though. Hence my reflection and some of my conclusions.

Steve is my husband - a certain amount of respect is deserved because of who he is to me.

Steve is the HoH in our DD relationship - a certain amount of respect is deserved because of that role.
     
I married Steve for who he is and I don't have the right to expect any more growth or change than I expect from myself.  

Maybe I need to examine why I value what I do and realize that other attributes deserve my respect as well. 

It isn't fair for me to make it impossible for him to earn my respect. 


I'm thinking that it may go hand-in-hand.  If I treat him as if he has earned my respect and not just the respect that he deserves, then the actions to earn it will follow, and I will learn the benefit of valuing all the positive attributes that Steve (and others for that matter) have to offer.  


Sometimes the change that is needed is yourself.