"Did you weigh in this morning?" "Yeh."
"And?" "I gained a pound."
"Ok, I guess we'll deal with that tonight with whatever else you are due punishment for." "You're going to spank me tonight?"
"It's Sunday, don't we normally handle serious punishment then?" "Yeh, I guess so."
"Do you not want me to?" "Yes and no."
"Well, we're going to go with the yes." "Whatever."
"What's wrong with you?" "You really don't know? All I can say is that I am not feeling submissive right now in any shape or form."
"I know and that is my fault. I have acted pretty badly these last few days. It didn't have anything to do with you, but I know I made you feel bad in the process. Will you please forgive me?" "Of course."
We ended up having a long discussion about everything that happened, and we both felt a lot better.
When it came time for punishment Steve asked me if it was really okay considering everything that happened. I told him that we are each individually responsible for our behavior regardless of what the other is doing. I chose to not stick with my health rules, and I gained weight as a result. I am accountable for that regardless.
"Besides, I really need to get back into a submissive frame of mind." "I think we can accomplish that."
I got it with the hand, spoon, ping pong paddle, lexan paddle, and his belt. My bottom is sore, but it feels so good to get back to our new "normal" .
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
mountain top highs and valley lows
Whenever you are on a mountain top the view is always spectacular. Unfortunately, the downside is that the only thing left to do is come back down. Most of the time you get to walk back down the path and revisit all the lovely spots you found on the way up. It is gentle. Occasionally though you trip on the way back down and tumble all the way to the bottom - bruised and broken. Even more rarely, you get tossed down the mountain, and all you can do is pray that you don't die.
What led to this dramatic analogy? Our business and home worlds have collided for the first time since starting dd.
Wednesday night after Steve got home from his billiards match, he approached me to say that two of his friends had asked him about going on a four day fishing trip next week and that he wanted the time off to go. "Steve, that is a business question, not a home question. May we please wait to discuss it when we get to work tomorrow?" "Sure."
Thursday morning came, and we were sitting in the office. "So, do you think you can do without me next week?" "We've got a lot of stuff going on this week and next. Some of it is crucial to our business. Did you forget that G is already scheduled to be off Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of next week? It's going to be pretty stressful for me already." [After me, G is probably the most important person in our business in terms of abilities and responsibilities.] "Yeh, I remembered, but I thought you might be able to do without me too." "I'm just now getting to the point where I'm not being crushed by the anxiety of the last six months, I'm not excited by the prospect of being saddled with trying to take care of all of these crucial business matters and dealing with all of the home stuff by myself." "It's just that I really wanted to go." "I understand that, it would have been fun, but there is also the issue of finances. You know we really don't have the money to spare right now." "Yeh, you're right. I'll let them know it just isn't good timing right now."
Prior to dd, I would have just told him no. Although I still had the right and authority to just tell him no, I felt it important to discuss the issue and help him come to the conclusion himself.
If only that was the end of the story, but I have spent the last two days dealing with Steve pouting about it. I just don't have patience for that. Two of our children are pouters; I can't stand it with them. I certainly can't stand it with a grown-ass man. It has affected him as HoH as well. He's turned back into a non-commital weenie.
I can't even begin to express just how much it is pissing me off! Although my dad was an abusive parent, he was and is an incredibly hard-working man. A solid work ethic is the one good thing I inherited from him. Work is something Steve tolerates when he has to. I have asked him for years to go find a job somewhere else so that I don't have to be his boss, and so all our financial eggs aren't in one basket. It has never happened. He's always been too insecure. One of my main reasons for seeking out a dd relationship was because despite the fact that I love my husband fiercely, I was getting tired of feeling like the only adult in the family. I could tell that the pressure was going to either put me in the loony bin, or I was going to end up resenting him to the point of it ruining our relationship. I was so excited to see his development, and now I'm dealing with this crap!
What really makes my blood boil is that I had to recently cancel a trip to the Grand Canyon that I had planned for two years for my 40th birthday. It was something that was on my bucket list. However, about a week before the trip some things happened that would have made it incredibly irresponsible of me to go, so I had to cancel. Was I disappointed? Hell yeah!!!! Did I pout about it and make the people around me miserable? Hell no!!!! Sometimes that is the way life works. I'm just trusting that God will give me another opportunity down the road.
I would normally chew him out in a situation like this, but that was the old us. So here I sit on the computer at 3:00 in the morning venting to you guys, while I hold my tongue and figure out how J the wife gets her HoH back. I haven't been spanked or had sex since Tuesday night and three days is a long time for me. J the wife is being neglected because J the boss has apparently tossed Steve down the mountain. :-(
What led to this dramatic analogy? Our business and home worlds have collided for the first time since starting dd.
Wednesday night after Steve got home from his billiards match, he approached me to say that two of his friends had asked him about going on a four day fishing trip next week and that he wanted the time off to go. "Steve, that is a business question, not a home question. May we please wait to discuss it when we get to work tomorrow?" "Sure."
Thursday morning came, and we were sitting in the office. "So, do you think you can do without me next week?" "We've got a lot of stuff going on this week and next. Some of it is crucial to our business. Did you forget that G is already scheduled to be off Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of next week? It's going to be pretty stressful for me already." [After me, G is probably the most important person in our business in terms of abilities and responsibilities.] "Yeh, I remembered, but I thought you might be able to do without me too." "I'm just now getting to the point where I'm not being crushed by the anxiety of the last six months, I'm not excited by the prospect of being saddled with trying to take care of all of these crucial business matters and dealing with all of the home stuff by myself." "It's just that I really wanted to go." "I understand that, it would have been fun, but there is also the issue of finances. You know we really don't have the money to spare right now." "Yeh, you're right. I'll let them know it just isn't good timing right now."
Prior to dd, I would have just told him no. Although I still had the right and authority to just tell him no, I felt it important to discuss the issue and help him come to the conclusion himself.
If only that was the end of the story, but I have spent the last two days dealing with Steve pouting about it. I just don't have patience for that. Two of our children are pouters; I can't stand it with them. I certainly can't stand it with a grown-ass man. It has affected him as HoH as well. He's turned back into a non-commital weenie.
I can't even begin to express just how much it is pissing me off! Although my dad was an abusive parent, he was and is an incredibly hard-working man. A solid work ethic is the one good thing I inherited from him. Work is something Steve tolerates when he has to. I have asked him for years to go find a job somewhere else so that I don't have to be his boss, and so all our financial eggs aren't in one basket. It has never happened. He's always been too insecure. One of my main reasons for seeking out a dd relationship was because despite the fact that I love my husband fiercely, I was getting tired of feeling like the only adult in the family. I could tell that the pressure was going to either put me in the loony bin, or I was going to end up resenting him to the point of it ruining our relationship. I was so excited to see his development, and now I'm dealing with this crap!
What really makes my blood boil is that I had to recently cancel a trip to the Grand Canyon that I had planned for two years for my 40th birthday. It was something that was on my bucket list. However, about a week before the trip some things happened that would have made it incredibly irresponsible of me to go, so I had to cancel. Was I disappointed? Hell yeah!!!! Did I pout about it and make the people around me miserable? Hell no!!!! Sometimes that is the way life works. I'm just trusting that God will give me another opportunity down the road.
I would normally chew him out in a situation like this, but that was the old us. So here I sit on the computer at 3:00 in the morning venting to you guys, while I hold my tongue and figure out how J the wife gets her HoH back. I haven't been spanked or had sex since Tuesday night and three days is a long time for me. J the wife is being neglected because J the boss has apparently tossed Steve down the mountain. :-(
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
a significant moment
There are times in any journey that you can look back on and say yes that was a turning point or a significant moment.
Last night will probably be one of those times when I look back on our dd journey years from now.
We talked for a long time prior to my punishment spanking. We explored our lunchtime conversation in a lot more detail. Stormy's comment on the last post that Steve is a natural or catches on really quickly was spot on. I have been blown away by the speed in which Steve has developed as our HoH. There was nothing in the previous 15 years that made me think I should expect that. It has left me off balance. What I expected was a lot more time to relinquish control. He was actually genuinely surprised that I thought that he was doing that well. Bless his heart. I have been in control far too long.
I could tell once the spanking started that he had put a lot of time into thinking about what exactly was going to happen and why. He lectured me and asked questions in a much more serious and direct way. It felt real versus him acting out a part. I was spanked hard and long with his hand, the wooden spoon, and strap. He then sent me for some corner time. I was thinking to myself that it hadn't been that bad, but then he said, "Ok, come on back over so that we can do the punishment part." "That wasn't it?" "No, that was the warm up for your minor rule infractions. Now I'm going to deal with the disrespect and dangerous behavior." He had the cane and the lexan paddle in his hand. I received 20 strokes of the cane. Ten were of medium strength and they hurt, but the last ten were much more severe and really hurt. He gave me several minutes then I had to bend back over for the lexan. I received 30 strokes with it alternating from cheek to cheek and the third in the bottom middle. I didn't cry, but I felt punished when we were done. I have a couple of small bruises from the cane, but otherwise I am fine.
Last night earns its significance not because of the spanking itself (although, as promised, it was the hardest), but because I think for both of us it cemented in concrete that this was a new reality for us. Not merely some sexual kink, or role-playing, but a true life change in how we are going to manage our marriage and home. We were a very happy couple before, but I can now see us staying that way for the remainder of the time we are blessed to live on earth together.
Last night will probably be one of those times when I look back on our dd journey years from now.
We talked for a long time prior to my punishment spanking. We explored our lunchtime conversation in a lot more detail. Stormy's comment on the last post that Steve is a natural or catches on really quickly was spot on. I have been blown away by the speed in which Steve has developed as our HoH. There was nothing in the previous 15 years that made me think I should expect that. It has left me off balance. What I expected was a lot more time to relinquish control. He was actually genuinely surprised that I thought that he was doing that well. Bless his heart. I have been in control far too long.
I could tell once the spanking started that he had put a lot of time into thinking about what exactly was going to happen and why. He lectured me and asked questions in a much more serious and direct way. It felt real versus him acting out a part. I was spanked hard and long with his hand, the wooden spoon, and strap. He then sent me for some corner time. I was thinking to myself that it hadn't been that bad, but then he said, "Ok, come on back over so that we can do the punishment part." "That wasn't it?" "No, that was the warm up for your minor rule infractions. Now I'm going to deal with the disrespect and dangerous behavior." He had the cane and the lexan paddle in his hand. I received 20 strokes of the cane. Ten were of medium strength and they hurt, but the last ten were much more severe and really hurt. He gave me several minutes then I had to bend back over for the lexan. I received 30 strokes with it alternating from cheek to cheek and the third in the bottom middle. I didn't cry, but I felt punished when we were done. I have a couple of small bruises from the cane, but otherwise I am fine.
Last night earns its significance not because of the spanking itself (although, as promised, it was the hardest), but because I think for both of us it cemented in concrete that this was a new reality for us. Not merely some sexual kink, or role-playing, but a true life change in how we are going to manage our marriage and home. We were a very happy couple before, but I can now see us staying that way for the remainder of the time we are blessed to live on earth together.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
anti-climatic
Last night ended up being anti-climatic. We were both exhausted from the day's activities. I went to bed after posting last night and was expecting to be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night. Fortunately, I was not. Steve fell asleep on the couch playing video games and ended up not coming to bed until 4:00am.
It was only a temporary reprieve.
First thing this morning... "Sorry I fell asleep, but I'm going to make up for it today. Come bend over the bed. I'm going to start out by giving you some strokes with the cane. You're going to have to stay silent because the children haven't left yet." He gave me 10 hard strokes. It took everything in me not to make noise. We didn't have time to talk so we just embraced and headed over to the office.
"Meet me at the house for lunch." He was already putting some lunch together for us when I got there. "Drop your pants." He was holding a pancake turner in his hand. I got a quick but painful spanking with it. "We still have a long way to go, but that is going to have to wait until tonight. Let's eat lunch and talk."
"I'm feeling some resistance from you. I thought this was what you wanted from me. I thought you wanted for me to take charge, but the last couple of times I have put my foot down on something I'm seeing negative body language from you. I'm confused."
"I'm sorry. It probably is confusing. Yes, as you are becoming more and more comfortable with your role as HoH, and the true power shift is becoming more and more of a reality, I am having more and more difficulty being submissive. Please don't think I've changed my mind. It's just harder than it was. I have been in charge of all aspects of our lives for fifteen years. It is hard to surrender, but I'm still committed to this."
"That's all I wanted to know. Since that is the case, there are some things that I feel we really need to address. You were really disrespectful yesterday and some of your actions were also dangerous. It's going to have to wait until after all the kids are in bed and C gets home. We'll have to wait for her because we'll need to go over to the office. This will be the hardest spanking I've ever given you, and I don't want us to have to worry about it if you cry out loudly. How do you feel about that?"
"I was afraid that was what you were going to say, and at the same time, afraid that wasn't what you were going to say. I'm nervous about it, but I trust you and I'm positive that at this critical juncture that is exactly what needs to happen and that I need to submit to it."
"Ok, then that is what is going to happen. I love you so much."
"I love you more." "I doubt that. [grin]" He pulled me over his knee and gave me a quick but firm hand spanking. Let's get back to work before they think we're playing hooky this afternoon."
I now have about an hour more to wait, and I'm really getting nervous. I don't want anyone to think that I'm afraid. Steve would never cause me injury, but I know we are going to be crossing into new territory on our journey. We're both going to do some growing tonight.
It was only a temporary reprieve.
First thing this morning... "Sorry I fell asleep, but I'm going to make up for it today. Come bend over the bed. I'm going to start out by giving you some strokes with the cane. You're going to have to stay silent because the children haven't left yet." He gave me 10 hard strokes. It took everything in me not to make noise. We didn't have time to talk so we just embraced and headed over to the office.
"Meet me at the house for lunch." He was already putting some lunch together for us when I got there. "Drop your pants." He was holding a pancake turner in his hand. I got a quick but painful spanking with it. "We still have a long way to go, but that is going to have to wait until tonight. Let's eat lunch and talk."
"I'm feeling some resistance from you. I thought this was what you wanted from me. I thought you wanted for me to take charge, but the last couple of times I have put my foot down on something I'm seeing negative body language from you. I'm confused."
"I'm sorry. It probably is confusing. Yes, as you are becoming more and more comfortable with your role as HoH, and the true power shift is becoming more and more of a reality, I am having more and more difficulty being submissive. Please don't think I've changed my mind. It's just harder than it was. I have been in charge of all aspects of our lives for fifteen years. It is hard to surrender, but I'm still committed to this."
"That's all I wanted to know. Since that is the case, there are some things that I feel we really need to address. You were really disrespectful yesterday and some of your actions were also dangerous. It's going to have to wait until after all the kids are in bed and C gets home. We'll have to wait for her because we'll need to go over to the office. This will be the hardest spanking I've ever given you, and I don't want us to have to worry about it if you cry out loudly. How do you feel about that?"
"I was afraid that was what you were going to say, and at the same time, afraid that wasn't what you were going to say. I'm nervous about it, but I trust you and I'm positive that at this critical juncture that is exactly what needs to happen and that I need to submit to it."
"Ok, then that is what is going to happen. I love you so much."
"I love you more." "I doubt that. [grin]" He pulled me over his knee and gave me a quick but firm hand spanking. Let's get back to work before they think we're playing hooky this afternoon."
I now have about an hour more to wait, and I'm really getting nervous. I don't want anyone to think that I'm afraid. Steve would never cause me injury, but I know we are going to be crossing into new territory on our journey. We're both going to do some growing tonight.
Monday, April 18, 2011
our two month dd anniversary
Today marks two months on our domestic discipline journey. I wish I could say that it has been a great day, but it hasn't. I have been a total grouch today, probably because I haven't been spanked since Friday night. Another because pasach (passover) began tonight and I had almost no time to prepare. I managed to pull it off, but not without being disrespectful and demanding to Steve, and doing something incredibly stupid. Not exactly the way to start off what should be wonderful family time. We managed to have a nice seder despite myself.
The most dramatic event of the day - Me being incredibly careless because I was rushing around, and I managed to put a huge dent in the right rear fender of our car that we have owned for less than a week!!! I expected Steve would hug me and be all gushy supportive as he has been in occasions like this in the past. Nope.
"I've told you that rushing around never comes to any good. What if that had been a person you backed into instead of a pole? You've got to stop doing that. It's just not worth it. Fortunately it is just the car that's damaged. I'm really concerned about what might happen in the future if you don't stop this running around like a chicken with its head cut off." I just stood in the driveway crying and I finally said, "I know you're right. I'm sorry!" "I know you are. We'll deal with this later. The kids and I will help you get the seder set up. Let's just concentrate on that for now, ok?" I nodded and smiled.
I'm sitting here blogging because Steve said that he needed to play some video games and unwind before he spanks me. "We've got a lot to take care of." I'm going to go to bed because I have a feeling this is going to be one of those 2:30am spankings. I also have the feeling that it is going to be pretty severe, maybe the most severe I've had.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.What a way to celebrate! :(
The most dramatic event of the day - Me being incredibly careless because I was rushing around, and I managed to put a huge dent in the right rear fender of our car that we have owned for less than a week!!! I expected Steve would hug me and be all gushy supportive as he has been in occasions like this in the past. Nope.
"I've told you that rushing around never comes to any good. What if that had been a person you backed into instead of a pole? You've got to stop doing that. It's just not worth it. Fortunately it is just the car that's damaged. I'm really concerned about what might happen in the future if you don't stop this running around like a chicken with its head cut off." I just stood in the driveway crying and I finally said, "I know you're right. I'm sorry!" "I know you are. We'll deal with this later. The kids and I will help you get the seder set up. Let's just concentrate on that for now, ok?" I nodded and smiled.
I'm sitting here blogging because Steve said that he needed to play some video games and unwind before he spanks me. "We've got a lot to take care of." I'm going to go to bed because I have a feeling this is going to be one of those 2:30am spankings. I also have the feeling that it is going to be pretty severe, maybe the most severe I've had.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.What a way to celebrate! :(
Sunday, April 17, 2011
anxious over perfection
I'm emotionally torn.
The events of Thursday and Friday night have made what we are doing a firm reality. It is supremely wonderful, but also very scary. I have spent my entire adult life being in charge and trying to maintain the illusion of control. Even in high school I was the one in charge - class president, yearbook editor, etc.
This journey was my idea, but now that Steve's sleeping dominant side has been awoken I'm scared. Not scared of Steve by any means, but whether I can truly let go. I have enjoyed my moments of submission, but I think I have been comfortable up to now because I have still had some element of control in how this thing has developed.
I have spent most of yesterday and today contemplating the fact that the moment of truth is coming. The moment is coming when I'm not going to be able to submit, and then what will happen?
It is like when a person who has flown in an airplane hundreds of times suddenly becomes afraid to fly. They reason that their luck is about to run out. Disaster is waiting to strike. That is how I am feeling. Like I am going to screw this up any moment now.
I'm hoping my maintenance spanking tonight will "knock" this nagging anxiety out. Well at this point I guess I better hope I get maintenance. We skipped it yesterday because our Friday late-night antics wore both of us out. I'm wondering if I should say something or not.
I know there are many out there who have been in this exact spot. Their blogs are powerful testimonies that I draw comfort from. Nothing can be or will be perfect. I know in my mind that it will all work out, but my heart is struggling with my desire for perfection.
I think I'll share these crazy thoughts with Steve, and trust him to take the right action. That is a step in the correct direction, I hope. :)
The events of Thursday and Friday night have made what we are doing a firm reality. It is supremely wonderful, but also very scary. I have spent my entire adult life being in charge and trying to maintain the illusion of control. Even in high school I was the one in charge - class president, yearbook editor, etc.
This journey was my idea, but now that Steve's sleeping dominant side has been awoken I'm scared. Not scared of Steve by any means, but whether I can truly let go. I have enjoyed my moments of submission, but I think I have been comfortable up to now because I have still had some element of control in how this thing has developed.
I have spent most of yesterday and today contemplating the fact that the moment of truth is coming. The moment is coming when I'm not going to be able to submit, and then what will happen?
It is like when a person who has flown in an airplane hundreds of times suddenly becomes afraid to fly. They reason that their luck is about to run out. Disaster is waiting to strike. That is how I am feeling. Like I am going to screw this up any moment now.
I'm hoping my maintenance spanking tonight will "knock" this nagging anxiety out. Well at this point I guess I better hope I get maintenance. We skipped it yesterday because our Friday late-night antics wore both of us out. I'm wondering if I should say something or not.
I know there are many out there who have been in this exact spot. Their blogs are powerful testimonies that I draw comfort from. Nothing can be or will be perfect. I know in my mind that it will all work out, but my heart is struggling with my desire for perfection.
I think I'll share these crazy thoughts with Steve, and trust him to take the right action. That is a step in the correct direction, I hope. :)
Saturday, April 16, 2011
another date night
It was another Friday night date night.
"Are you ready to go?" "Yeh, I'm ready." "No, I don't think you are." "Ummmm, I don't know what you are talking about." "I think there is one more accessory you need before we go."
I will admit I was totally confused at that point. I really was clueless as he took me by the hand and led me back to the bedroom. Laying on the bed was the butt plug and the lube.
"You're kidding right." "Nope, the last time we went to the movies you were struggling with being submissive. I think having it in will keep you in the appropriate frame of mind. I want to make sure we have a lot of fun this evening." "I don't know if I can wear it through the whole movie, Steve." "I think you can, but if it starts to hurt then I give you permission to excuse yourself and remove it. "Ok, I guess I'll do it." "I wasn't giving you an option. Pull up your skirt and pull your panties down and bend over so I can put it in." I was mortified and incredibly excited all at the same time. I had never seen Steve act so dominant and it was thrilling.
Steve was 100% correct. The moment he slid it in, my submissive button was pushed. I don't know how or why, but my naturally dominant personality completely slipped away. This was the first time I was wearing one in public. It wasn't quite embarrassment I felt. It was more like shyness. My attention was completely focused on him. I was so aroused that it was hard to watch the movie. I was ever mindful though when the credits were running to wait patiently for Steve to indicate that it was time to go.
Like the last time he waited for everyone to be gone. As I was walking out in front of him I got my bottom squeezed and few playfully hard swats. When we got to the restrooms he leaned into my ear and whispered, "Much, much better. Go on in and remove it. We have another stop to make." We stopped at the office parking lot again, but this time I got a wonderful OTL good girl spanking in the back seat. I would tell you the rest, but a girl has to have some secrets doesn't she? I can't wait for another date night!!! ;)
"Are you ready to go?" "Yeh, I'm ready." "No, I don't think you are." "Ummmm, I don't know what you are talking about." "I think there is one more accessory you need before we go."
I will admit I was totally confused at that point. I really was clueless as he took me by the hand and led me back to the bedroom. Laying on the bed was the butt plug and the lube.
"You're kidding right." "Nope, the last time we went to the movies you were struggling with being submissive. I think having it in will keep you in the appropriate frame of mind. I want to make sure we have a lot of fun this evening." "I don't know if I can wear it through the whole movie, Steve." "I think you can, but if it starts to hurt then I give you permission to excuse yourself and remove it. "Ok, I guess I'll do it." "I wasn't giving you an option. Pull up your skirt and pull your panties down and bend over so I can put it in." I was mortified and incredibly excited all at the same time. I had never seen Steve act so dominant and it was thrilling.
Steve was 100% correct. The moment he slid it in, my submissive button was pushed. I don't know how or why, but my naturally dominant personality completely slipped away. This was the first time I was wearing one in public. It wasn't quite embarrassment I felt. It was more like shyness. My attention was completely focused on him. I was so aroused that it was hard to watch the movie. I was ever mindful though when the credits were running to wait patiently for Steve to indicate that it was time to go.
Like the last time he waited for everyone to be gone. As I was walking out in front of him I got my bottom squeezed and few playfully hard swats. When we got to the restrooms he leaned into my ear and whispered, "Much, much better. Go on in and remove it. We have another stop to make." We stopped at the office parking lot again, but this time I got a wonderful OTL good girl spanking in the back seat. I would tell you the rest, but a girl has to have some secrets doesn't she? I can't wait for another date night!!! ;)
Friday, April 15, 2011
my daughter was bad and I got spanked!
I would have spanked myself if Steve hadn't done it. It was a really dumb mistake on my part. Here's what happened...
I was home early yesterday, so I was there when our children got home from school. My 13 year old daughter came bouncing in with one of her friends whom we allow her to hang out with usually only at our house (we have some concerns about her home life). "Hey, Mom. K has invited me to spend the night since we don't have school tomorrow. Can I go? Dad told me to ask you."
I was instantly irritated, not at her, but at Steve. In our pre-dd life, this would happen all the time. He would always tell the kids to ask me. Therefore, I was always the bad guy when I would say no. One of the things that we had discussed about his role as HoH, was that when these things came up that we would tell the children that we had to discuss it with one another first and then he would deliver the verdict. That had been going well before now. "Please, please, please, Mom!" "Ok, I guess so, but you have to be home by 10 am because you have a dentist appointment." "Thanks, Mom!" Off she went with her friend to her room to pack up and hang out until K's dad showed up.
Fast forward an hour and a half. Steve was coming in the door as our 13 year old was getting ready to head out. "Hey, sweetie, where are you going?" Imagine the look on my face. "Wait, you didn't know she was going to K's house?" "Nope." Well anyone with children could imagine the scene then.
When we were alone I told him that I was sorry. "I should have known better than to believe her. I should have called you." "Yes you should have. What on earth made you think that I had suddenly forgotten our procedure for this?" "I don't know." "Well you're going to get a spanking for it."
He tore my bottom up. He spanked me with his hand, the ping-pong paddle, the leather strap, and the acrylic paddle. "I hope you realize now that although you started this, I'm committed to trying my best to do my part. Don't let the kids fool you again." "I won't."
In case you were wondering what happened to the 13 year old, she has no phone or computer privileges for a while.
I was home early yesterday, so I was there when our children got home from school. My 13 year old daughter came bouncing in with one of her friends whom we allow her to hang out with usually only at our house (we have some concerns about her home life). "Hey, Mom. K has invited me to spend the night since we don't have school tomorrow. Can I go? Dad told me to ask you."
I was instantly irritated, not at her, but at Steve. In our pre-dd life, this would happen all the time. He would always tell the kids to ask me. Therefore, I was always the bad guy when I would say no. One of the things that we had discussed about his role as HoH, was that when these things came up that we would tell the children that we had to discuss it with one another first and then he would deliver the verdict. That had been going well before now. "Please, please, please, Mom!" "Ok, I guess so, but you have to be home by 10 am because you have a dentist appointment." "Thanks, Mom!" Off she went with her friend to her room to pack up and hang out until K's dad showed up.
Fast forward an hour and a half. Steve was coming in the door as our 13 year old was getting ready to head out. "Hey, sweetie, where are you going?" Imagine the look on my face. "Wait, you didn't know she was going to K's house?" "Nope." Well anyone with children could imagine the scene then.
When we were alone I told him that I was sorry. "I should have known better than to believe her. I should have called you." "Yes you should have. What on earth made you think that I had suddenly forgotten our procedure for this?" "I don't know." "Well you're going to get a spanking for it."
He tore my bottom up. He spanked me with his hand, the ping-pong paddle, the leather strap, and the acrylic paddle. "I hope you realize now that although you started this, I'm committed to trying my best to do my part. Don't let the kids fool you again." "I won't."
In case you were wondering what happened to the 13 year old, she has no phone or computer privileges for a while.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
out of whack and blessed
I think I figured out why I have felt so resistant to my last punishment spanking and to maintenance last night. Maintenance last night wasn't particularly hard, but I had deep feelings of ambivalence. It ends up that I started my period today, but I did not make the connection over the last couple of days because it is a week early. I am a very regular 29-30 day cycle gal. I'm not sure if my body is resetting itself, or if it just the tremendous stress I have been under. It does explain the tremendous anxiety I was experiencing on Sunday night. My hormones are completely out of whack!
I do have a good reason to be experiencing the anxiety and stress that I am. The business I started and have worked for 18 years is in serious jeopardy. I started it before I married Steve, but he has been taking an increasingly active role over the years. The problem isn't the business itself, we have a great reputation and consistent business. The problem is cash flow due to serious past-due receivables. Would anyone be surprised to know the largest offender is the state? The state owes me over $30,000. That is a lot of money for a business our size. It is our family's sole source of income. I trust God and I know He has a plan, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm doing my best to be positive and demonstrate an attitude of gratitude and that we have to have faith to my employees and the vanilla friends around me. In the meantime, I've been having some serious prayer closet crying conversations with God lately.
I'm really glad that dd came into our lives when it did. I have always been responsible for everything, and I'm worn thin. I feel like a piece of cellophane. Although we have only been actively engaged in this arrangement for slightly less than two months, it has made a tremendous difference. In the past, Steve has always been supportive in a "cheerleader"/encourager sort of way. It is different now. In the last week as I have had to make some serious decisions, he has been actively engaged, working through the decision making process with me, and making it clear that we are in this together no matter what. Even if we lose everything we own and are living in a tent we will at least be together. I am incredibly grateful for the blessings God has given me and realize that no matter what things look like from the outside, He has not, nor will He forsake me. After all He is the one responsible for giving me a husband and a family. That is worth more than anything else.
I do have a good reason to be experiencing the anxiety and stress that I am. The business I started and have worked for 18 years is in serious jeopardy. I started it before I married Steve, but he has been taking an increasingly active role over the years. The problem isn't the business itself, we have a great reputation and consistent business. The problem is cash flow due to serious past-due receivables. Would anyone be surprised to know the largest offender is the state? The state owes me over $30,000. That is a lot of money for a business our size. It is our family's sole source of income. I trust God and I know He has a plan, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm doing my best to be positive and demonstrate an attitude of gratitude and that we have to have faith to my employees and the vanilla friends around me. In the meantime, I've been having some serious prayer closet crying conversations with God lately.
I'm really glad that dd came into our lives when it did. I have always been responsible for everything, and I'm worn thin. I feel like a piece of cellophane. Although we have only been actively engaged in this arrangement for slightly less than two months, it has made a tremendous difference. In the past, Steve has always been supportive in a "cheerleader"/encourager sort of way. It is different now. In the last week as I have had to make some serious decisions, he has been actively engaged, working through the decision making process with me, and making it clear that we are in this together no matter what. Even if we lose everything we own and are living in a tent we will at least be together. I am incredibly grateful for the blessings God has given me and realize that no matter what things look like from the outside, He has not, nor will He forsake me. After all He is the one responsible for giving me a husband and a family. That is worth more than anything else.
Monday, April 11, 2011
feeling resistant
There was a time not that long ago that I could not have imagined feeling resistant to a spanking. It took me forever to acknowledge the need, and once I did it felt like it was never going to be enough.... until last night, well, technically this morning.
I was gone most of the weekend due to some professional responsibilities so I had not had a spanking of any kind since Thursday. We had been doing daily maintenance, so the sudden lack of spanking was leaving me feeling down. When I got back on Sunday afternoon, Steve and I only had a brief period of time to talk and reconnect before he had to leave for a pre-planned social engagement.
"I'll probably be pretty late. Why don't you try to go to bed early and I'll wake you up when I get home so we can get in some maintenance." "Okay." "Are you alright?" "Yes and no. I don't know what is going on with me right now. I just feel unsettled." "Do you want me to cancel and stay home?" He is such a wonderful man! "Yes, but I know you have been looking forward to this, and I'm not going to let whatever this is interfere with that. I'm going to take the troop to the park to walk on the nature trail and get some dinner. I'll be fine." "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure, please go." "Alright, thanks baby. I love you a lot." "I know [grin]" (You have to be a Han Solo and Princess Leia fan to get that last interaction.) A quick swat on the behind and a long kiss and he was out the door.
I was fine until the kids were in bed... then the feeling started to grow. I tried to go to sleep but couldn't, so I did what I always do in those situations....work. I was still in the middle of cleaning out a kitchen cabinet when he got home at 2:00 in the morning.
"What are you doing up?" "I couldn't sleep. The more I tried, the more the anxiety started to grow. I started working to control it." "You should have called me." "I started to, but I felt better once I started cleaning out the cabinets. I really didn't want to interupt your fun." He reached over and pulled me to him and hugged me hard. "You are more important to me than any of that. Call me next time." I nodded against his chest. "Do you still want to do the spanking or do you want to just come to bed and we can do it tomorrow."
That's when it happened. I don't know how to explain it, but I had this revolt inside my body that screamed 'noooooooo!' Outside my body, I put on my most ambivilant and nonchalant face and said, "Well, that is your decision, babe, not mine. We can wait until tomorrow if you think that would be better." Ohhh, the sheer manipulativeness of it!!!! He pondered for a moment. "No, something inside is telling me we need to go ahead and do it. It is just a maintanance isn't it?" I hung my head. That was the problem. I knew that I needed to tell him that I had some punishment coming and that was why I was feeling so resistant inside. "No, I have some rule violations to tell you about. I also need to confess that I was trying to be manipulative just now to try to postpone this." "It is alright, we are going to fix it."
Fifteen minutes later I was crying and being held tightly in his arms. My bottom was throbbing like never before. I was also being reassured that everything was going to be okay no matter what. We went to bed and I slept like a baby. God bless domestic discipline.
I was gone most of the weekend due to some professional responsibilities so I had not had a spanking of any kind since Thursday. We had been doing daily maintenance, so the sudden lack of spanking was leaving me feeling down. When I got back on Sunday afternoon, Steve and I only had a brief period of time to talk and reconnect before he had to leave for a pre-planned social engagement.
"I'll probably be pretty late. Why don't you try to go to bed early and I'll wake you up when I get home so we can get in some maintenance." "Okay." "Are you alright?" "Yes and no. I don't know what is going on with me right now. I just feel unsettled." "Do you want me to cancel and stay home?" He is such a wonderful man! "Yes, but I know you have been looking forward to this, and I'm not going to let whatever this is interfere with that. I'm going to take the troop to the park to walk on the nature trail and get some dinner. I'll be fine." "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure, please go." "Alright, thanks baby. I love you a lot." "I know [grin]" (You have to be a Han Solo and Princess Leia fan to get that last interaction.) A quick swat on the behind and a long kiss and he was out the door.
I was fine until the kids were in bed... then the feeling started to grow. I tried to go to sleep but couldn't, so I did what I always do in those situations....work. I was still in the middle of cleaning out a kitchen cabinet when he got home at 2:00 in the morning.
"What are you doing up?" "I couldn't sleep. The more I tried, the more the anxiety started to grow. I started working to control it." "You should have called me." "I started to, but I felt better once I started cleaning out the cabinets. I really didn't want to interupt your fun." He reached over and pulled me to him and hugged me hard. "You are more important to me than any of that. Call me next time." I nodded against his chest. "Do you still want to do the spanking or do you want to just come to bed and we can do it tomorrow."
That's when it happened. I don't know how to explain it, but I had this revolt inside my body that screamed 'noooooooo!' Outside my body, I put on my most ambivilant and nonchalant face and said, "Well, that is your decision, babe, not mine. We can wait until tomorrow if you think that would be better." Ohhh, the sheer manipulativeness of it!!!! He pondered for a moment. "No, something inside is telling me we need to go ahead and do it. It is just a maintanance isn't it?" I hung my head. That was the problem. I knew that I needed to tell him that I had some punishment coming and that was why I was feeling so resistant inside. "No, I have some rule violations to tell you about. I also need to confess that I was trying to be manipulative just now to try to postpone this." "It is alright, we are going to fix it."
Fifteen minutes later I was crying and being held tightly in his arms. My bottom was throbbing like never before. I was also being reassured that everything was going to be okay no matter what. We went to bed and I slept like a baby. God bless domestic discipline.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
I am spam
Oh I am so frustrated!!! Bonnie (My Bottom Smarts blog) made me aware a little while back that my comments to her were going to spam for some reason and that she had found them. After that I started noticing that on almost any blog I commented on my comment would disappear when I moved away from the page. I have tried everything I can think of to prevent it from happening but it still is. For all of you out there who have taken the time to read my blog and offer great comments, please don't think that I am not taking the time to read yours. I do read others' blogs and have offered appreciative comments here and there, but apparently to the google and internet world, I am SPAM!!! If anyone knows of a solution please let me know cause google people haven't been much help. I don't get it. I have a google account and it happens most frequently to blogs set up on blogger!!!!! Urrrr. Anyway, since I can't tell you on your blog, I'm going to tell you on mine. I love your blogs and enjoy reading them almost every day. Thanks for being such great inspirations! :)
Friday, April 8, 2011
Rock Band will never be the same
I have blogged about my struggle with profanity in connection with the video game Rock Band. Well, we decided to play some last night. Steve pulled me over to the corner and whispered, "Do we need to take the preventative measures we discussed?" He was referring to using a butt plug. I quickly shook my head no.
A couple of songs in though, the D word came out of my mouth. The look in Steve's eyes was clear. As soon as the song ended Steve paused the game and told our adult daughter and boyfriend to wait a minute he really needed to use the restroom. He promptly headed for our bedroom. I waited about 45 seconds and said, "Dang it, the power of suggestion, now I need to go too." They laughed and I headed to the bedroom as well.
He had wasted no time - when I stepped into the room he was standing there waiting with butt plug and lube. "I knew we should have done this from the beginning, but lets see if we can keep the spanking you're going to get to a minimum. Bend over right now." I quickly pulled down my jeans and panties and let him put it in. I had to add a panty liner to keep leaking lube from coming through my panties and pants. I ended up wearing it for about an hour and a half. It was uncomfortable but not painful in anyway. I think most of my discomfort came from just being aware that it was there. I was seriously embarrassed by it even though Steve and I were the only ones who knew it was there. It did the job though. The constant pressure made me very aware to watch my mouth and no more profanity slipped out. It did hurt a little when Steve went to take it out, but it only lasted a few seconds. I then received 6 strokes of the small cane for the one slip-up, which set my bottom on fire, and that lasted more than a few seconds.
We were snuggled up in bed and discussed the evening's events. "Well that seemed to work for you. I didn't hear any more profanity after I put it in. Next time we will do it from the get go. How do you feel about it?" "It was incredibly embarrassing, but it didn't hurt me in anyway, and I don't like the cane at all, so I guess we should try it again." "Ok, then we have a plan. I love you." "I love you too."
Rock Band will never be the same for me again. The crazy thing is I'm not sure whether I am sad or not. It sure seems crazy! :)
A couple of songs in though, the D word came out of my mouth. The look in Steve's eyes was clear. As soon as the song ended Steve paused the game and told our adult daughter and boyfriend to wait a minute he really needed to use the restroom. He promptly headed for our bedroom. I waited about 45 seconds and said, "Dang it, the power of suggestion, now I need to go too." They laughed and I headed to the bedroom as well.
He had wasted no time - when I stepped into the room he was standing there waiting with butt plug and lube. "I knew we should have done this from the beginning, but lets see if we can keep the spanking you're going to get to a minimum. Bend over right now." I quickly pulled down my jeans and panties and let him put it in. I had to add a panty liner to keep leaking lube from coming through my panties and pants. I ended up wearing it for about an hour and a half. It was uncomfortable but not painful in anyway. I think most of my discomfort came from just being aware that it was there. I was seriously embarrassed by it even though Steve and I were the only ones who knew it was there. It did the job though. The constant pressure made me very aware to watch my mouth and no more profanity slipped out. It did hurt a little when Steve went to take it out, but it only lasted a few seconds. I then received 6 strokes of the small cane for the one slip-up, which set my bottom on fire, and that lasted more than a few seconds.
We were snuggled up in bed and discussed the evening's events. "Well that seemed to work for you. I didn't hear any more profanity after I put it in. Next time we will do it from the get go. How do you feel about it?" "It was incredibly embarrassing, but it didn't hurt me in anyway, and I don't like the cane at all, so I guess we should try it again." "Ok, then we have a plan. I love you." "I love you too."
Rock Band will never be the same for me again. The crazy thing is I'm not sure whether I am sad or not. It sure seems crazy! :)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
normal together
"You need to be over in our room by lunchtime and make sure you are naked."
"Um okay, why?"
"I looked at your food journal this morning. A little light on entries this past week isn't it?"
"Yes, I guess it is."
"You asked me to enforce your health rules, so that is what I'm going to do. You've been dragging around here procrastinating this morning too. This needs more than maintenance, don't you think?"
"I wish I could say no, but I can't. Why have you started having me get completely naked?"
"When I'm fully dressed and your completely naked, you seem more vulnerable, less in control. That is the mindset I want."
I met Steve over at the house and stripped as asked. I have to say he is right, I feel very vulnerable like that when he is lecturing or spanking me. I don't like it, and I have thought about telling him that because at this stage of the game I know that if I really made a big deal out of it he wouldn't do it. I have also realized I would be 100% wrong and I wouldn't be submitting if I did, so I am going to strip if he asks.
It was a serious punishment spanking. No warm-up, just hard whacks with his hand, spatula, the acrylic paddle, and then his belt. He was surprised at how hot my behind was after it. It turned him on and he wanted to have sex. He wasn't sure if that was normal, but I told him I thought it was and if it wasn't I was just as abnormal because I wanted to have sex too. We decided on normal together. ;)
"Um okay, why?"
"I looked at your food journal this morning. A little light on entries this past week isn't it?"
"Yes, I guess it is."
"You asked me to enforce your health rules, so that is what I'm going to do. You've been dragging around here procrastinating this morning too. This needs more than maintenance, don't you think?"
"I wish I could say no, but I can't. Why have you started having me get completely naked?"
"When I'm fully dressed and your completely naked, you seem more vulnerable, less in control. That is the mindset I want."
I met Steve over at the house and stripped as asked. I have to say he is right, I feel very vulnerable like that when he is lecturing or spanking me. I don't like it, and I have thought about telling him that because at this stage of the game I know that if I really made a big deal out of it he wouldn't do it. I have also realized I would be 100% wrong and I wouldn't be submitting if I did, so I am going to strip if he asks.
It was a serious punishment spanking. No warm-up, just hard whacks with his hand, spatula, the acrylic paddle, and then his belt. He was surprised at how hot my behind was after it. It turned him on and he wanted to have sex. He wasn't sure if that was normal, but I told him I thought it was and if it wasn't I was just as abnormal because I wanted to have sex too. We decided on normal together. ;)
Monday, April 4, 2011
the tools for the job
It has been a really busy weekend, but we've managed to fit in a couple of spankings with the new implements. Wow!!! What a difference it makes when you have the right tools for the job! I have only received maintenance spankings with them, and I can tell you for the first time ever... I really don't want a punishment spanking. What we got in was an OTK leather strap, a longer leather strap, a small acrylic paddle, a small and thick plastic paddle with holes, and a short cane. Steve had expressed a preference for the smaller and shorter implements because he feels like he has more control, so most of the items we picked fell into that category. We've tried them all out and holy crap they all hurt so much more than what we had been using. Which leads to today...
I have cried during spankings, but I have never actually asked him to stop before today. I was under a tremendous amount of stress to the point that I was not functioning, and I had conveyed to Steve that I really couldn't wait until tonight for maintenance. We headed over to the house at lunch and he put me over his knee. He gave me the hand warm-up, and then he used the wood spatula with a hole in the middle. I was seriously tense and he could tell he needed to do more so he broke out the small leather strap. He grabbed me firmly around my waist and went to town. It didn't take long for me to try to wiggle away, and start squealing when I couldn't. Then the words came out of my mouth. "Please, please, stop" He just kept going. I had a moment of panic because he didn't, which surprised me because I had never asked him to stop before. "Come on, please stop, this isn't supposed to be punishment." "I know it's not, but you have been in such a bad state since you got home, I think you need it." He kept going until I went limp. I didn't start crying until he stopped, and I didn't cry long, but I felt the tension flow right out of my body. I hugged him intensely and thanked him because he was right. "Ok, so I was right, I shouldn't stop if I don't think I should just because you said stop? I hesitated, but I assumed you would use your safe word if it was really going too far. That was ok right?" "You did it just right, babe, thank you so much. I feel so much better now." I love this man so much, he is working so hard to make this work. How did I get to be this blessed?
Now I'm hoping I can avoid punishment, because he definately has the tools and the will for the job!
I have cried during spankings, but I have never actually asked him to stop before today. I was under a tremendous amount of stress to the point that I was not functioning, and I had conveyed to Steve that I really couldn't wait until tonight for maintenance. We headed over to the house at lunch and he put me over his knee. He gave me the hand warm-up, and then he used the wood spatula with a hole in the middle. I was seriously tense and he could tell he needed to do more so he broke out the small leather strap. He grabbed me firmly around my waist and went to town. It didn't take long for me to try to wiggle away, and start squealing when I couldn't. Then the words came out of my mouth. "Please, please, stop" He just kept going. I had a moment of panic because he didn't, which surprised me because I had never asked him to stop before. "Come on, please stop, this isn't supposed to be punishment." "I know it's not, but you have been in such a bad state since you got home, I think you need it." He kept going until I went limp. I didn't start crying until he stopped, and I didn't cry long, but I felt the tension flow right out of my body. I hugged him intensely and thanked him because he was right. "Ok, so I was right, I shouldn't stop if I don't think I should just because you said stop? I hesitated, but I assumed you would use your safe word if it was really going too far. That was ok right?" "You did it just right, babe, thank you so much. I feel so much better now." I love this man so much, he is working so hard to make this work. How did I get to be this blessed?
Now I'm hoping I can avoid punishment, because he definately has the tools and the will for the job!
Friday, April 1, 2011
the new things have arrived
I'm very excited. The cane, the strap, and the acrylic paddle came in today. Steve and I are planning on trying them out after the troop goes to bed. I have to head out really early in the morning so I won't get a chance to blog about it until the end of the weekend. Hope everyone has a great fun spanking weekend!
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